My left hip is hurting but pelvic pain is largely decreasing. It’s incredible to have no intense pain in that part of my body. It’s been so long in coming. Up/down/up/down. The last week in LA with the pain and seeing a doctor while on the road… not fun. I feel so grateful.
I signed up for a photography class at the community college today. I’ve been taking slow steps to get there and manage to not sabotage myself which is shocking. I often do that when I get close to doing something I’d really like to do. So we’re good to start on the 2nd. Crazy! Really happening.
I continue to process some of this awful family news I’ve learned about. I shared a little bit more today with a few people. It’s shocking really to realize what has been in my extended family all this time. I was right all along to be afraid and to try and get out and leave it all behind.
Something strange though has happened to me in the last month. I am not interested in drinking anymore. I’m sort of over it. I am mostly eating plants. I’m doing meditation almost daily and also starting to be more serious about yoga.
It feels like my body is reconnecting with my soul and a healthier mind. I’m not fighting all of these things to sort of function and manage all of these competing emotions. I absolutely have been trying to largely distract myself with a whole variety of things from the randomness of my schedule to drinking and avoiding some responsibilities, chronic gift giving, etc. I find it’s all just sort of lost interest for me.
I remember about two years ago I was at work, and early in the day I’d start thinking about what i was going to eat that night. That’s when I knew I needed help. I didn’t want that to be the highlight of my day for the rest of my life. How incredibly empty, I guess unless you’re a chef or cooking is your hobby.
So yeah, it is weird to continue this process of reemergence. It seems like it is happening a little more each day or week. It seems to solidly go in waves and seasons, that’s for sure.
Maybe the stuff with my family that is so dark is affecting me more than I realize. Maybe it’s what’s in my hip and back right now. I don’t know. I could sure use a massage.
Tonight at our group we discussed Ch. 3 of JP Newell’s book, Christ of the Celts. Love the focus on the sacredness of nature and how we’re a part of nature. This separateness that we’re living and experiencing is very strange. Love how real people are being and open about their questions and where they’re at. It’s great to all be eating together as well each time.
Also one of the people in group asked about those of us who have experienced trauma and have done therapy. He knows someone that has so much trauma, its mimicking symptoms of MS in his body. The doctors have told him he has to deal w/ the trauma before he’ll get physically better.
This stuff kicks your ass. It’s not to be messed with. This if anything is the hope of a religion or a spiritual practice: the possibility of being a person in the world that won’t pass along trauma to others. We are born to model what we are exposed to as kids. Can we change ourselves if we’ve been exposed to trauma? Yes. Yes we can. But what a shitload of work it is. And then you need the community around you to help you through it all and find the right resources.
We need each other.
Finally, trying once again to take contemplation more seriously. I’m finding it is the time where I agree for my mind to not be controlling my day and my life. I am realizing how much of my true self isn’t being attended to as my mind is what gets all the attention.
Yesterday while I was in a state of centering prayer, the face of a woman that looked like me showed up in my mind. I have no idea what that was about, but I’m open to whatever God sends my way or comes up through my true self as I let go of my ego.
Find a spiritual practice and do it as if your life depends on it - Rohr
I’m still scared I’m frittering away my life.
I worked today on finalizing details for our holiday party tomorrow night.
These are important things, but not a passion for me.
I’m learning more about the difference between doing work and doing things that matter to do. Doing things as a distraction.
I am getting better, more disciplined, but I’ve had to fight for it. Sometimes I’ve been tired and quit fighting. Not today though. Today was a breakthrough in getting my leg back in the door for doing some kind of professional work outside of our office.
While I was in the meeting planning the party, in the other room there were people on the SOW call doing some training. I wrote a lot of that content. I mentioned that to someone, and I wondered if I’d told anyone that before, if I was repeating myself about how these documents came to be.
I realized then how amazing it’s been, what I’ve done, what we’ve done. I felt proud of what I’ve done, and realized I have amazing abilities. I can do many, many things. I am gifted in many areas. I could go off and do a career in several different areas.
For some reason, my body and mind are finally at a place where I can accept my inherent goodness and beauty and brilliance. I feel easier in my life and body and soul. I feel grounded. I feel good about my life and feel pretty remarkable about what I’ve done. I hope someday it’s easier, mainly for Jay’s sake. It’s been a ride.