Some kind of watershed day I guess.
Friends in town, one with cancer. He’s in a trial that is having dramatically positive results in the reduction of his tumor. Immunotherapy continues to change the game of fighting cancer.
Issues with Mom’s finances but mostly resolvable.
Pelvic PT appointment to talk about the new nerve pain I had after sitting for days on the Chicago trip.
A flare-up with John over the garbage cans in the kitchen which was uncalled for by me.
I spent the evening crying and talking to John.
I’ve had a major eye-opening moment today though. I can’t afford to be angry any longer. It is tightening up my pelvis and affecting my heart and overall health of my body. I can’t keep taking pain medicine when I have pelvic pain. The side effects are worsening and it’s unhealthy.
I think when you have PTSD and things happen, you go to certain emotions habitually. Mine has been anger. It’s what my family has done.
I’m realizing I just have to change. I am no longer drowning. Now I need to learn how to swim better than I did before I was drowning. Just being in a state of not drowning doesn’t mean I’m a better swimmer than I was before. I have a lot to learn that I haven’t learned while being in a locked down, fearful state.
I can’t go to anger. I can’t go to blaming John and everyone else for my issues. I can’t withdraw. I have to find other ways to cope and deal emotionally. It’s time.