Jay is under the weather. He’s been ill almost a month. He doesn’t want to get antibiotics. He continues to cough but is slowly getting better.
I’ve found this week an increasing need to try and control things. I found myself reacting to the person in my program who’s been hostile to so many people. I had to go talk to someone else in the program to just get settled down. Massively-triggered.
I haven’t felt as calm. The unsettlement at work w/ the new space and things undone, conflict w/ Jay and I, all the responsibilities of the holidays for our company, both staff and clients, family holiday stuff and stuff with my folks, specifically their health and finances.
I got off any kind of rhythm w/ meditation, centering prayer or just thinking and resting, doing a curious observer stance. I let myself get caught up in the drama and energy of it all. Had a hard time coming down and getting back to a steady state.
Tonight I felt better. I was able to go to a meeting with the difficult person present and not get spun out. I saw her differently once again which is what has helped me before. I saw Jay differently, more human and less guarded. He said today as we ate down town after my speaking event that he’s not doing well. He’s too tired, he’s overwhelmed w/ all of his responsibilities. He’s extremely stressed and not getting a break enough.
He said right now he needs to leave once every 4-6 weeks for like a week at a time. I don’t see how that is feasible to do, but how he can’t if he’s so tired.
I have wondered again how we can get support in here and get things more stable. He’s on his own a lot and isolated.
For me, I have to continue to have good boundaries and not try to come in and help or rescue. I can do what I’ve been doing, but not more. I will continue to be sucked into this endlessly if things don’t continue to change in terms of leadership. It’s challenging.
We have a few good mentors now, but they come and go. I wish there was more help for Jay daily. We only have one other solidly empowered manager.
My parents continue to struggle w/ things like health and finances. I am doing the best I can, but it’s a bit out of control right now. They’re struggling as they’ve both been ill. Systems are breaking down some.
I can be engaged and help people, but I have to continue to live my life, develop the skills that have been dormant.
We watched the first Fantastic Beasts movie this evening. One of the main characters is a boy whose magical powers have been oppressed. He developed what is called an obscurus, where the repression of his abilities creates an uncontrollable dark force. The second time watching it through, I thought alot about this character and why JKR wrote it in.
I imagine so many people do not do well in traditional settings like school and sports, social situations, etc. I know she experienced that at school.
I wondered about myself, the long-time repression of my artistic abilities and interests.
I can’t keep being diverted by things that I feel are probably worse than they are. True rescuing is completely not focusing on or allowing my own abilities any time at all to flourish. I can let things go if I have to. It’s not unloving. It’s not ideal; there’s messiness and sadness and frustration that I’m choosing to not immediately rush in and fix. I can’t. Things can and have and are unraveling, but what gets changed has to be done w/o me in the middle, even if it’s maybe not as good as what I would have done. That’s also my arrogance and One-ness coming through; things won’t be done well w/o me involved.
I just have never allowed myself the ability to exist in situations that are unresolved. In short, “Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.”
If I can help in my limited way, I can do that. When I try and take over and fix things I don’t fully understand or appreciate, bad things happen.
With my parents, these golden years have a lot of rough bumps, now and ahead. It’s just the way it’s going to be. I’ve accepted that now. So I will do what I can each week to manage things and improve things, but they’re going to have rough times still ahead. They are determined to do things a certain way, and aren’t changing course much. Some of it is their decline; some is their stubbornness.
I can literally go crazy trying to make things conflict-free. It’s selfish initially, and then I also want a better situation for them. I don’t think it’s going to happen.
And guess what? If it does, it won’t be coming from me, most likely. I am being a helper, but I won’t fix their situation much. They could really shift and adapt, but it’ll be their own awareness and journey that will take them somewhere else.
So I can release trying to save everyone. Instead, I can be happy with the positive ways I’m involved with people and with myself. I’m doing well. I’m helping others. That’s more what I need to focus on and remember.
Next week we head to Seattle for Thanksgiving, our first holiday to travel since 1994. Amazing how things change.
Finally, yesterday marked the wind storm that took out our garage. At the time, I didn’t know how but sensed it was symbolic in some way. I couldn’t understand why; I just sensed it meant something was changing.
It did mean something. I was a symbol to me of the destruction of an old way of living and being. It meant in order for something better to come along, sometimes you need a drastic change to get rebooted. As the trees fell, my soul was dying as well. I ended up the next year in a state of adrenal fatigue. It’s taken me all this time to recover, three years.
Jay said it took me decades to get there so it’d take time to recover. He was right. I think someone said a month for every year you’ve been stressed. Three years would be 36 years or months, with things becoming stressful for me about the time I was 12 or 13. About right.
I still have work to do. I’m still seeing Kay and plan to do so for some time ahead. It’s a good reminder and balance that I have someone I can be mentored by and check in with.
Onward. Onward. Onward.
Spokane, WA