Got half our holiday cards to clients out the door. Sending roughly 225 this year. Not a big change. We go up and down about the same.
I don’t feel real confident being at work. I don’t really fit into the daily mix, and just come and go doing projects. Jay is trying to run things and doing well, but just undersupported.
I worked late on all this and got stuff in the post office box. Mailing boxes tomorrow.
I decided to only do gifts for our largest clients. I did gifts for all our clients last year. Was I insane? I have no idea where this compulsion comes from sometimes. Is it insecurity? Controlling? It seems unhealthy. Somehow I pulled that off last year in addition to drying leaves and putting them into all the cards. Yeah, something’s wrong w/ that picture. Not sure what.
So, on we go.
The new space is lovely. Jay is really liking being downtown.
That means a lot to me.
Jay asked me what I thought really was the turning point when I started going downhill. I said it was really a combination of several things: the girls leaving, the ramping up of work, both the hours, the lack of positivity and the sense of the endless nature of the struggle, our marriage, my lack of doing anything I enjoyed. I said that’s what finally drove me to back down and also say I wasn’t sure if we could stay married.
It was weird to reflect on that all and to hear him then say back to me that yeah, that’s how it went down. He said he didn’t want to see how hard the rest of the business was. He just wanted to program. So he admitted that, and that was interesting. It takes some of the pain away from all of it as we process it a little at a time.
*****
The process of getting this space inhabitable and better than before has presented a large challenge. It’s fallen on me. I’ve enjoyed some of it but have hated it all being on a deadline and very public. No chance to experiment much in private.
I’ve had to research and become a mini-expert on garbage cans. recycling cans and preferences, best location of said cans, best liners, creating new kitchen-cleaning protocols, clean/dirty sign for the dishwasher, stools for the table, perfect break room table, style and sourcing, wall art, lobby/rest area lounge chairs, ottomans, side tables, storage cabinet, paper towel dispensers, soap and cleaning products, storage of all the things, broom, mop, new janitor, building maintenance, and on it goes. This after a year of sourcing the space location, then helping design the space w/ the architect, sourcing and selecting new desks and chairs as well as cubicles. Organizing and helping move the office. Unpack.
So yeah. It’s been a lot. I feel like celebrating once it’s all done.