I’ve been so wigged out this week.
I have not been great about asking for help in working this recovery program. I like to be in control and do things on my own. I finally called someone in my group that also has management experience and asked to meet with her.
I told her the whole long story, explained what a bully this woman in our group has been. I told her what unfolded this week, how I kept my cool at the District meeting, was clear and calm in my remarks but obviously opened up the floor for people to feel more comfortable regarding the bullying behavior. I felt clarity about going maybe not planning to say anything at all. I gave myself permission to not speak at all for a change, to not save the world, my little group of people, anything.
That really helped keep me calm all day, just to know I didn’t have to speak up and could even leave if I felt too triggered.
As a result, I did choose to speak. I spoke about how I’d felt bullied being at the District meetings, traumatized to have this person run over others, speak harshly and yell, interrupt people and trample on everyone without regard to the fallout.
It felt amazing going home, basking the glow of being a One in the purest form: having courage to speak up to injustice, but knowing the limits of my abilities and mission. Others commented on my courage, thanked me for speaking up, commended my clarity and comments. What more could a One ask for?
Unfortunately, that glow lasted just a few hours. I didn’t sleep well that night, and have been wrecked the last few days. So I reached out to my friend.
She is pretty solid and clear in the program. She kept coming back to what am I doing for myself that needs to be done. I can’t control her. She said to let her and the other gal who’ve stepped up to be group reps take over going to District meetings for a while. That way, I can avoid that triggering situation. I then have to decide if I’m going to be able to keep going to my home group as she’s still in it.
My friend was like, yeah, that’s how it works. Yeah, it does suck. But you’re around someone with severe alcoholic behavior, and you have to have good coping skills to deal w/ that. You may or may not have the energy for that.
It’s a really upside down way to look at the world and relationships and life and toxic people and myself having toxic behaviors. It’s challenging. It’s hard. I want to run away from it all. Sometimes I do. But in the end, it’s what grows me.
I find it interesting that this woman’s name is the same as mine.
Yep, same name.
In fact, we refer to each other as “the other Piper.”
I just realized this week, I don’t think that’s an accident.
I think this is God’s way of bringing home the point.
This is your mirror image without me, without divinity, without another way to live that is not just your basal, mixed up self, programmed to get progressively more fucked up due to trauma, pain, sadness, mistakes, life, abuse, disappointments, exhaustion, etc. My friend agreed with my assessment. She has a person like this in her professional life right now, someone that has absolutely hit all her hot buttons. She said she realized that this is her without the program: bossy, mean, commanding (not in a good way), demanding, hostile. Without the program and her Higher Power, she knows that could be her, the woman who is being hostile and triggering; she could be that person.
So to “the other Piper,” thank you for being the mirror, running around reminding me of how much I’ve changed and how much beauty I have and have been given. That this path I’m on is life-giving in a way just going with the flow isn’t.
As a result, I’m tired and worn out. Two pretty big triggering sessions in the last two weeks. This week has been better, but lasted longer.
*****
We had group this evening and are reading Christ of the Celts by John Philip Newell. Chapter 2 was on Returning to the Tune, I believe. It’s reclaiming our birthright of original blessing, reconnecting us to ourselves and to nature. He is writing like a Celt, telling stories set in nature, in the lives of his children, in his own life the least. He’s drawing from our primary impulses, and deepest felt and body memory; our family, our natural home, ourselves. It’s beautiful, just in and of itself, the imagery.
One thing I shared that has been the most damaging to me has been the silence. We were taught we were sinful and not worthy of God’s grace. I’ve literally heard that thousands and thousands of times in a multitude of ways and sayings. What the silence was about was me. There is no real theology of self apart from being depraved. So not only when self is discussed, it’s sinful and wretched, self isn’t discussed at any other time. So you’re either invisible (detached and disassociated) or your wretched.
For me, these led to being heavily disassociated by the time I was in college. It just continued to get worse, especially when hard things in life began to happen. If you feel wretched, and bad things happen, the only logical place you can go is to believe these bad things are your fault. That’s a very logical thinking process to end up at. In the end, it feels like not just God then, but by default, the whole world is against you. Disassociate, detach, numb-out.
Fortunately, our little group is about reconstruction, not just deconstruction. We’re enjoying this book, all being impacted. We all have spiritual trauma and are in recovery from that.
Like my meeting, I don’t see the full picture ahead, but I know I have a job to do. I’m trying to do it and leave it there.
Onward.