I've been in California for a week.
We have several friends down here now, amazing people that love us and have us stay with them. It's a miracle.
Tonight though, I'm tired. I'm having some extreme feelings. I feel fairly worthless. I'm tired and my emotions tend to slide off in this direction when I'm tired. I've had a lot of anxiety in the past about KT, PTSD-level anxiety. I worry about weddings and marriages and unhappy girls.
Sometimes, it's hard to put into practice new things that I've learned. I wonder sometimes if I have actual memory issues, that I won't be able to fully change because I can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing even though I write things down.
I don't feel depressed but I wouldn't say I'm wildly happy. I felt happy in the ocean the other day. I actually asked if I could go into the ocean with our friends who have wetsuits and boogie boards. I would like to do that almost every day if I could. At least that's what I think.
Today I read a few very compelling thoughts: "Your attitude is the only difference between an ordeal and an adventure." I really, really want to believe that's true. There's a part of me though that feels that's something a rich person with rich person problems would say. Is this really what someone that takes care of an aging parent, year after year, would say? This is quite an adventure? What about taking care of a chronically sick kid? Not making your rent payment?? Why yes, this is AMAZING, not making rent! I once wanted to go white water rafting but you know what, no, I'll just take more of this.
So I don't know. I know what struck me about it is that I'm especially guilty of this negative view of life. In fact, some of the things about KT's fiance I think are things I also struggle with.
As I'm sitting here writing this, a few things are crystalizing. I had an mellow day with some highs and lows. I went shopping for clothes and that felt really, really good. We had a nice time with Kay and Ray. The air and sky were beautiful. More good food.
I think sometimes you just have a flat day and it's okay; it's how the rest of the world works. I think having some form of extreme emotion every day, in my case nervous anxiety, set a weird bar. It's like if you're not feeling some extreme emotion, you're not alive. Well, I had a mellow day and I'm alive and well.
We talked with our friends about how to support the getting married kids. They had good ideas. I have felt panic again today and this reminded me of the need to be supportive and ask questions. At all costs, don't build a wall. Don't try and control or manipulate. I need to remember that: being controlling is worse than anything else. It leads to exactly what you don't want.
I wish I didn't have so many challenges but people still love me. I still love me.
And this year, I'm much more relaxed than last year... small headways.
Right now, I just need sleep and to remember each day is a new beginning.