"I said you want to be starting something
You got to be starting something
I said you want to be starting something
You got to be starting something
It's too high to get over (yeah, yeah)
You're too low to get under (yeah, yeah)
You're stuck in the middle (yeah, yeah)
And the pain is thunder (yeah, yeah)
"Wanna be Startin' Somethin' by Michael Jackson
I have to start something. I really do.
I am floundering in what seems to be a bona fide mid-life crisis.
I'm not sure how much has to do with mid-life. I don't dislike myself, or at least I don't think I do. I simply am dissatisfied with almost everything that is what I call reality.
I am not satisfied with my work. My spirituality feels completely off and incomplete. Our marriage is on autopilot on good days and we fight on bad days.
Where am I going? What have I done?
Our relationships are transitioning as we continue to go deeper into spiritual uncertainty. Our stable groups and communities are fracturing. Our kids have gone off to college and are thriving. I wish their happiness and stability was enough. My parents marinate themselves in fundamentalism and right-wing talk radio. My father is dead. My brother and his family are distant. Our friends are busy or moving on.
Most days, I feel flat and confused. This is unexpected. I am a high-output producer and I am concerned at how little energy I have for what I used to do effortlessly.
Unsure where to do or what to do, I'm going to try spiritual direction.
I have explored this topic on several occasions w/ the few Protestants and Catholics that I know are aware of this type of exercise and engagement. Most spiritual direction is done through various Catholic churches as well as Gonzaga. There is only one Protestant/Evangelical locally that does it and he is significantly younger than me.
Today I met with someone from our group for a totally different purpose and he indicated he sees someone named Sister Gee from a monastery in Idaho. I probed that a bit further and it feels like this could be what I need to do. He gave me her email address and the phone number of the monastery.
I will keep searching for something. I wanna start something, I need to start something. I gotta start something.