Last night I had a dream. I dreamt I was talking to my brother's wife, yelling at her, telling her all this horrible stuff she has done and keeps doing. I yelled and yelled.
Slowly she reached around somewhere and pulled out an old film camera. She played an old film of me when I was little and in the film, I was kicking my brother. She just turned and then looked at me.
I woke up and realized much, too much, about myself from that dream. I keep looking at others but how often am I the one causing the hurt? What have I done to my brother without knowing I was hurting him? I don't even consider that as an option. I assume I am doing fine, because I don't intend to hurt anyone. (Does anyone intend to hurt anyone?)
In my best efforts, I have hurt people without knowing it. I realize that without any kind of spiritual growth, my best efforts will often not be enough. I will love the people closest to me fairly well, though with all my emotional baggage. The people not close to me, I may not be able to love well at all. In all this, I will feel justified.
My spiritual development is not just about me. It is about the people I'm in community with. That's the way it always has been, the way most good religion and spirituality is framed.
I hope my healing will allow me to be more open to all kinds of people. Right now, most of the time I feel defensive, angry and hurt by the world. Many of the people in my life feel unsafe.
It's time to get down into the weeds with it all, for my sake first. For the sake of others as well.