Ann Lamott has a great quote that goes something like, "If you want to learn about forgiveness, start with someone other than Hitler."
We've had an employee give notice recently and the timing wasn't that great. Yeah, the timing was awful. It brought up every possible negative emotion in me that you would hope someday, wouldn't be your first instinct. But it was and they were. There they were, those friendly, familiar emotions, like hate, rage, anger, more hate and the tiniest bit of desire for bad things to happen to someone, whatever that is.
Of course, the weekly reading this week from Rohr is on forgiveness. God might be elusive but always direct.
I decided to pray about this, something I've just not done much of the last year. I prayed or mentioned that I found forgiveness unpleasant, that the idea of it made me angry to even consider. God, just, I could use help with this.
The thought that came back was so unique and so beautiful, that it still takes my breath away with how fresh and unlike my brain to think of.
Forgiveness doesn't happen all at once. The analogy should be more like training for a race or reading a long book than just saying, "Well, forgive that person."
I realized there were a lot of forgiveness-lite attitudes and actions I could probably attempt. Things like, "I will actually look this person in the eye and smile. I won't ignore them, give them the cold shoulder, or accidentally drop kitchen knives on their shoes while they're getting coffee."
This thought broke my soul wide open and still as I write this, gives me all kinds of hope. My actions of forgiveness weren't really forgiving; they just weren't hateful which was honestly all I could muster. But the conversation in my head, with my heart, my values and God even, kept me from moving to more hate, more negativity or just staying where I was.
Surprisingly, by the time I actually saw the person at work, I was able to be more than just not hateful. Somehow, the decision to not hate and be minimally forgiving moved the needle in my soul to an even better place. It wasn't fake happiness or a state of not caring; the person's actions still hurt us. But I just didn't care. I was able to move on and deal with the work needing to be done instead of dwelling on this person's actions.
Kay tells me this means that person no longer has power over me as well, when I choose to not foster the anger. Suddenly, my True Self seems to be moving more to the forefront and that's a very good thing.