It's 7:15 am and I'm sitting here on the back porch, listening to two squirrels chase each other all over the roof of our garage.
They just shot up a tree, are now zipping a long a power line and in general, its quite the hot mess.
Several years ago, we took part in a fundraiser where you were in an "amazing race" type event. We were assigned teams, had special headbands and ran around downtown trying to solve riddles and be the first one to do it.
Every now and then, you'd catch a glimpse of another team darting around a corner or leaving an area you were just arriving at. We tried to calculate how close we were to being done, if anyone else had all the clues, etc.
At the tail end, we knew it had come down to us and one other team. We began to run the six blocks back to the downtown mall which was the home base. Suddenly, we heard them, the other team, about a half a block behind us, also sprinting down the street to the mall.
I was instantly 8-years old back on my grade school playground, being chased for some reason that I'm sure made sense in KidLand. As my feet pounded the pavement downtown, I realized I had not been chased by another human being for probably 40 years. It was absolutely terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. I kept glancing over my shoulder as we shouted half-phrases at each other, "Closer" (pant gasp pant) "Hurry!" (pant gasp pant) "Almost there!!"
We ended up winning, but just barely. You had to have the best time, as well as all of the riddles, answered correctly. We earned our prizes with our brains and our lungs.
So watching these squirrels, I'm reminded of that ice cold feeling of being chased, of being mortally afraid. I think about what chases me now, chases other people.
There are people in our society that are literally fearful for their lives. Immigrants, women fleeing domestic violence, targeted minority groups, kids being bullied, kids afraid of their parents, relatives, and neighbors, people being wrongly sued, people wrongly accused of crimes, cops and bad guys both, road rage victims, people in unsafe neighborhoods, people leaving cults or dangerous relationships, people in witness protection programs, whistle blowers... the list goes on.
What about emotional flight, being chased by your past, by memories, by your own stupid mistakes, by the pain others have caused you. I think its possible that group is much larger, of people running in place without any hope it will get better.
I'm in that group. I've been running from people who hurt me going back to when I was a kid, not that much older than the girl running on the playground. I've been running from the men that abused me, from women that didn't protect me, from the teachers that misled me, from the belief that life would always be out of my control, every bit of it, even in the smallest of ways. I've been running so long, I didn't know how not to live unafraid and finally, my body said, "Enough."
The squirrels let up for a bit and now they're back at it. I understand in squirrel land, chases are usually about turf, mating and just for fun which seems generally consistent in the animal kingdom.
I'm slowly taking control of the chasing in my mind, the endless running and hiding. There is a quietness that is gradually taking hold that I'm actually unsure what to do with. The anxiety is diminishing which, in a sick way, feels like life must also be ebbing away. If I'm not hyper-vigilant, how can I be alive?
I am trusting myself enough now to realize that this is a lie. Thoughts are not facts and that is not factual. What is happening as the shadows fall is my true self is emerging, but it's tentative. It will take time for the leaves to unfold but so far, the beauty is worth it.
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A much-more eloquent poem about similar thoughts is here by John O'Donohue, an Irish poet and philosopher.
You're welcome.