There is a shift occurring from Do to Be.
This feels awkward for an extremely productive Doer.
Awkward yes. Uncomfortable, wrong, shameful, luxurious, lazy, indulgent, those also are all in play in the mind.
What does it look like to live a balanced life of maintaining yourself, hopefully caring for others, but then the distinction of your posture, your attitudes.
A life of Being doesn't equate to nothingness, to laziness, to isolation. It about how do I view the things I'm doing, how I view myself in my own activities, in relationships, in the world at large. How do I decide how much I do, what I do and how I do it.
I have viewed myself as a producer and that was my value. Two years ago when I first started seeing Sister Gee, she asked me to spend ten minutes everyday breathing a specific prayer. Out-breaths, tell God you love God. In-breaths, hear God say, "I love you."
I was unable to do this for quite some time. I was unable to hear and believe in anyway that God loved me. It wasn't the meditation practice that was hanging me up, though I do have a busy mind, it was the belief. I did not believe this.
The words and phrases though, they are haunting me. "What a loser you are. You see how no one called you this week? You drop off the face of the earth into your craziness and no one even cares."
But in reality, a few of my closer friends know the depths of this pathway of healing and recovery and they do reach out. They are wise and don't say things like, "You're inspiring me," or "What courage." They know I got a shitty deal and want no part of this journey. "I'm sorry you're going through this," they say, and on good days, I accept their love and try not to believe they all have one foot out the door of our friendship.
As long as my sick, false self controls my thoughts, my mind is a sewer of thoughts. I orient myself toward illness, sickness, shame and anger. My energy goes toward fighting these things. I try hard to make it stop, but it's inevitable.
Being gives me a hope that there is a different way. That my energy spent early and frequently in the day, orients me to an entirely different mindset.
I am living into my true self, into a sacred being, that is healing and whole and beautiful. If I chose those thoughts each day, the others are beginning to feel more foreign.
Being though, takes time. It takes time away from Doing which has been so effective at keeping me numb, distracted, somewhat functional. This has not been an altogether bad strategy that my brain has worked out. I can see how the alternatives could have been destructive. Why slow down when there is no peace?
Being means I'm alone a significant amount of time. I'm alone with my true self, with my home, with nature, with God.
Doing is a default that's powerfully challenging to switch off. It is obvious, public, busy, often externally rewarding. It's obvious why it's hard to move that to a secondary life posture.
I have embraced the need to Be, but didn't realize all that would have to change as a result. "The ground beneath my feet is shifting" sounds cliched, but it applies.
Be, not Do.
Be.
*****
This from a small notebook in my purse, written this same day;
-I’ve spent years of my life worrying
-I’ve been obsessed with things people have said and done
-I’ve wanted community
-I’m just now trying on more fully what it feels like not to worry
-It ties in with the Rohr reading today on grace-the uniqueness of living in grace when the world around you is in a basal mode
As I observe myself and what distracts my mind, it’s very common for what distracts to be unpleasant thinking.
You can be very functional and still have this be a common way of thinking.
My mind will attach to whatever is most immediately threatening. Issues I obsessed on last week have faded. This means it’s much more about my mind than the issues that come and go, my state of mind. It’s more about this ongoing feeling of unsafety and less the (perceived) threat.
My brain/ego/body seems to inflate every tension and conflict to the same state: critical. Thus, a generalized anxiety disorder. No ability to moderate my own thoughts and feelings.
How this looks in my actions is it often feels I live a distracted life, and sometimes it feels lazy. My thoughts often have an OCD quality.
Also, I’m realizing I was offline for about six months for the wedding. I’m glad I had the time/energy to do what I did, but that’s about all I could handle.
Then in July, I wrote that I needed time to heal. I retreated. I was overstimulated. Tired. Worn out. Not sure who to trust.
Now I’m re-engaging and I am viewing people and opportunities differently. I used to be suspicious of everyone. It was all about me. I questioned everyone. Also I would talk myself out of things. Have been doing that for decades.
So for example, I went to book group and am going to read the books regardless. I’d overthink things. They like having me there. They said that. I always benefit from being around those folks. I still talk myself out of things.
I’m stripping things down with stuff around the house, the clothing, etc.