"Do you want to be made well?" At a young age, I got this saying Jesus used regularly. My father was mentally-ill and at times it seemed, the life suited him. I know he tried to change some, but either out of choice or just the overwhelming nature of his illness, he didn't change much. That terrified me. It does something to you to have a front-row seat to a slow-motion destruction.
EMDR fundamentally changes how memories are stored. You can fairly quickly sense subtle shifts in your reaction patterns. If those thoughts and that narrative is what's defined your life and worldview, it is no small task to undo it.
This is the shift I'm going through now. Definitely, for myself, I can say an outcome of depression has been claiming some element of a victim mentality. From my perspective, it felt like how can you not.
Now, to not be depressed means I have to take more responsibility for my own life that I have before. I have done some blaming on others that has given me some outs. Mostly I've blamed myself and opted out of life in many ways.
Depression overwhelms your existence and makes positive change of any kind almost impossible. You actually stop making choices and your world narrows. In the big picture, you lose out but in the short term, your life gets simpler. You can't exercise much. You don't eat well. You don't do chores. You make poor financial decisions. Things get stripped down and in some areas, it's actually a lot easier.
As my depression has started to lift, I realize I have more energy. I suddenly have choices. "So, am I going to now start exercising regularly again? Is that what we're going to be about now? And we'll just do that now, without any starting and then quitting? And we'll be consistent without drama or excuses?"
This is part of the lifting of the depression and it's a choice. This attempt at healing is not just about my mood; it's my lifestyle. I've had a depressed lifestyle. The way I process life day in, day out, all the micro-choices you make during the day (on average, 5-10,000 choices/day), that will all be affected.
This is where I have to face the reality of the change. Not just the mood shifting, the life changes. The patterns. The habits. Do I want a different life enough to do something different than I always have when I'm (fill in the blank) hungry, sad, tired, frustrated, broke, bitter, etc. I have a depressed version of how to handle all of those emotions and moments, how to handle relationships.
I don't hear this discussed too much. Maybe this is why addicts struggle so much with addiction. It's not the alcohol; it's the life around the alcohol. This isn't just being happier; this is my way of coping and living.
So yeah, big shit.
Why all this? Because there have been many moments now I would say where I felt a certain emotion or relational setting that has a depressive response all queued up, ready to go, and I had to pause. I stopped myself. I realized how easy it would be to keep reacting a certain way, to not figure out what's new or next in this white space.
The reaction was ready but strangely, I didn't feel the need for that response. I didn't need to withdraw. I didn't need to get angry. I didn't need to blame that person. My reactivity is changing enough to where it's not needed, but it could be easier in the moment.
This will take more time than I realized, and will go probably far beyond when therapy ends. The journey continues.