I have resisted the reality of my aging parents.
I have had a sense that being too helpful will suck me into the cycle of being the endless helper for everyone.
So, I manage to find tasks that are efficient and less messy. I organize the meal websites. I order things. I talk to doctors. I do everything but spend time, be present, what everyone wants the very most in reality.
Where does this come from? Some of it has to do with the very real experience of growing up with a mentally-ill parent. I feel like in some ways, I've been taking care at of my parents since I was about ten. I remember earnestly cleaning to help my Mom, reminding my Dad to buy gifts, adjusting my life to adjust to his fits and illnesses. In some ways, it feels I've used up what an adult child would provide to their aging parents.
So weariness. Been here, done that already.
My mother has also been challenging, bossy and overbearing. She has specific political views that she feels need to be shared by everyone, especially those in her family. It's taken several years of challenging conversations to help her see she'll essentially lose her family if she doesn't cease and desist, which she finally has.
Women's issues would be next. The reality of billions of women who spent their creative lives and energy taking care of others and nothing else. There is honor in that, yes. I get all that. I took care of children, take care of friends and other relatives. But it is haunting, the reality of women who couldn't do anything other than caring for others. Who wanted more than that, who wanted both, the relationships and a vocation.
Most women I know accept and often enjoy the caring and nurturing side of their natures. It is fulfilling, it feels life-giving, it feels honoring and natural. Most women I know also do not want that to be all they do in life. It can be draining. It is often unrewarding and unnoticed. It can be drudgery like any job can be.
Women want choices. I want choices.
With all baggage, I approach the reality of my parents aging process, my mother and her husband. I am intervening and helping with doctors, insurance choices, wills and finances.
And I'm choosing to be present.
I am stepping in and seeing it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Much of this is in my mind, how I choose to view my involvement. I sense I feel that no matter what I do, it isn't enough. That's my problem. That's something I'm putting on myself.
I can't fix this. I can't change the realities of aging and what is coming. They are actually coping quite well and yet I sense myself being tense. What I am doing is minimal, and it's helping quite a bit. It's enough. That's all they want and need. I'm the one who is not managing my energy around this.
The smile on my Mom's face when I stopped by the help them with health insurance complexities... she was so happy, so genuinely happy I was there to help them. She said, "I know this was alot of business talk (about insurance) but I'm still glad you came and was so good to see you."
I almost missed that moment, because of my past pain and my current hangups.
I can honor them with my time without losing my own life and freedom. And surprise, I am gaining the honor of being an adult child that is caring for her elders in an appropriate way. I am realizing this experience gives me a great sense of value and honor as well, that I'm doing what is right and good by any societal or spiritual standard you use (possibly except the US).
I continue to grow and try and be open and aware to the true truths of the world, of God's spirit and nature moving in and around me. It's about responding and less about control.
"The real gift is to be happy and content, even when we are doing the “nothingness” of a chore, a repetitive task, or silent prayer. When we can see and accept that every single act of creation is “just this” and thus allow it to work its wonder on us, we have found true freedom and peace." - Richard Rohr