Spiritual discovery is not a process I am in control of. This is not a race where I set my training schedule and I know the end goal is to run a set amount of miles in a set amount of time (Did you like that I didn't use a football analogy just there? No football examples here).
This feels somewhat like watching my kids grow up, become adults and then go on to do so many hundreds of things I never once thought to worry about. I am not in control any longer.
On the Enneagram, I'm a One and for the first time, I am finally realizing I simply can't be in control any longer (or can't maintain the illusion of control, as the 12-steppers say). It is killing my body, we've established that (stomach issues, pelvic pain, exhaustion, on and on). Ones like to plan the program and then run the program, whatever the situation. We then judge who isn't in or out of the program and on it goes. We get shit done, but often leave a wake.
Nothing seems safe from change right now, with seasons being a big trigger. We finished up Thanksgiving, got our Christmas tree and brought it home. That tradition is a wonderful one, something we've been doing almost 20 years with the same friends. It's truly delightful.
The only problem is, part of getting the tree is then dragging out the decorations. I swept the table clean of the small pumpkins and dried leaves that had blessed my socks off all through the fall. I got out a few Christmas decorations and then here we go again.
A day later, I am panicking, realizing all I want is to add a few red apples to the centerpiece and leave it all there. Afterall, we're still sort of in this dark, late harvest season. There are so many beautiful dark brown and greens and oranges outside. A lot of twigs, branches and yes, greenery that I still want in the house.
I found myself digging pumpkins out of our green bin and reassembling the centerpiece. I put the Santa hats away, the Christmas runner, the towels. I PUT IT ALL BACK.
We switched to celebrating Advent about fifteen years ago and I don't even want an Advent wreath out, the tradition the church created to help celebrate the incarnation.
No, I want it super simple. One candle, fruit and berries, twigs and leaves. No bright red. No Santa yet, nothing.
Maybe it is my depression that's still wearing off. I don't know.
If I'm going to think about the Incarnation, think about the blessing of our bodies which to me is much of what the Incarnation is about, I want the most natural things I can think off around me.
Jesus was born in a manger, yet most of our ornaments and decorations don't have much to do with nature or us as people.
I imagine we'll decorate the tree by the time the kids are home. There will be revolt if we don't.
Until now, this is a simple, bare and beautiful Christmas.