Interesting, transformative, shifting incidents and thoughts keep occurring. These are the week's highlights:
- I'm still married. Through all this, we've managed to hang in there and I'm glad we have.
- My hair could be classified now as "long." It makes me feel powerful, like if I had to, I could whip it around and hurt something or someone to protect myself.
- I talked to a real artist today about art. She holds workshops specifically about finding your voice in your art and within your process. I think her entire life of art has prepared her to teach this class to me because I need it so badly right now and I'm that selfish. For the first time, I spent a tiny bit of time imagining what images I would use to portray what I've been through the last two years especially. Nothing is coming to mind but I realize this could be part of the process.
- I helped at a fundraising bazaar today for a support group I'm a part of. There were about a bazillion things I would have done differently and I just didn't say anything and oddly, I didn't feel any tension to say anything. I wasn't angry, stressed, disappointed in people, in the world, in life. I just enjoyed what I could, did my part and left when my time was up. I realize the event may not earn the money it should and that if that happens, people will figure out what to do about it. I may or may not be part of those discussions and the world will go on.
- I went out to a friend's house tonight and was fine with doing that. I didn't desire staying home and also didn't necessarily feel excited to go. There would be people there I didn't know but I was cool with that. There would be people there that I also knew and was looking forward to seeing them. It turned out to be really fun to be there, important to be there. It was a party for someone going through a marriage separation and she needed people there. I went to two other things earlier today and I just kindof did all these things without a lot of intense emotion. Not flat but like, oddly present and fine with it all, and at the end of the day, glad for it all. This is especially strange and new.
- My back got all tense last night and woke me up. I was like, "This sucks, but I'll figure it out." No doomsday stuff, nothing drastic. Like, it'll pass. We'll figure it out.
- I actually am doing my Kegel's and exercises and stretches. I'm making time for them. I beginning to feel like my body might be worth taking better care of, and that it will keep healing and become stronger.
- I helped my Mom and it kind of killed me but now I'm over it until the next thing. I did some karate-chop separation movements that Kay taught me and I think it might help?
- I feel strangely at peace more and more with what people are choosing to do with their lives. I don't think as much about people in that sense, just in whatever way we have a relationship. Trying to control everyone and everything exhausted me. Even when I didn't want to do it, it felt impulsive. Now I realize people truly do have their own lives and they are separate from me. I don't want to go to the American extreme and would prefer closer community, but the boundaries are there. The very best I can do is to be loving and present, not controlling. Love actually is what changes things, not being controlling. Loving people creates hope. Hope allows for breathing and new possibilities to emerge. That means people can be positively impacted by love, not by control. So love is what truly affects events and outcomes, not me.
(Maybe this is why Jesus' narrative circulated completely around love. I'm going to create stories for different situations to demonstrate love. Over here, with this kind of person or event. This too. Yep, also this. All love. Nope, nice try with that clever question. Still love? Yep. Still love.)
- Finally, the love affair with the Palouse continues. The shapes, the colors, the lines. Be still my heart.