NATURE:
The mergansers are gone.
The mergansers - their beautiful movements, their colors, their chirpy calls, their standoffishness, their wild hair, the diving, the quirks- they're all gone until next September,
They graced us for 2.5 months. I have no idea where they came from or where they are now. If I could, I'd tag them and track them on an app. I'd probably go take a trip and stalk them with my binoculars. I'd try not to disrupt their habitat but maybe they'd sense my nearness and it would alter their world. Maybe it'd be like how time-travelers always - ALWAYS - muck up time-travel no matter what wise sage has told them about the dire consequences of meddling.
So since that won't ever happen, I just imagine where they are. I wonder if they like their new water digs as much as our pond. I wonder how we rate as a suitable migratory stop-over. I feel insecure wondering about it. Please come back.
I have tried not to wonder too much about this growing interest (obsession) with nature. I don't know where it's going or what it means other than it feels necessary and primal.
One outcome has been to begin developing my own calendar of yearly natural events to keep track of, prepare for, look forward to. It seems like this is basically how the world has operated up until maybe the last little sliver of time. I can't see we are better off for tracking movie openings instead of the blue moons, but I digress.
The full moon on the 3rd was a super moon. I sat on the back porch bundled up, played my flute and lit some sage. Breathing in the pungent smoke, to feel it in my body, makes me feel connected to the great energy, mystery and brilliance of our world. I wish I could have stayed outside longer but was glad for what I managed.
The skies at sunset are deep orange and pink. Do sunsets change color as the temperature changes? Another thing I need to learn.
BODY:
My hips and back are locked up and I imagine it's my weakness. I had what I'd call an emergency massage last night that allowed me to sleep again. She said my back is super tight and spasmed which is radiating out to my hips. She recommended I stop running and try other activities to avoid the pounding until my hips settle down. My pelvic pain is flaring. I have a headache from bad air. I went to the gym yesterday and am going to work on a regular exercise schedule that's in my calendar.
PEOPLE:
My daughter is getting engaged this weekend. The glow of that feels over everything right now. I feel full and rich, like a queen. That she wanted us to be present whenever the event occurred is all the more special. This sense of what is coming is growing. I'm working on writing a blessing, meaning, I've thought a lot about a blessing and haven't started yet. I will be reaching out to her fiance's parents to try and coordinate something, what though? Our culture sucks with any kind of meaningful traditions. At least dinner. Yes, we'll always figure out something to eat when in doubt.
We are sleeping in the basement due to it being so much warmer, darker and quieter. It feels like a nest, and somehow it feels healing, like you can't really burrow into a winter with someone you're mad at. I'm glad we're huddling together.
I spent hours researching Medicare health plans during open enrollment and held off the overtures of an aggressive health plan sales agent. I battled the common range of emotions often in the same day: sadness, frustration, anger.
SPIRIT:
I attended an Episcopalian church again on Sunday, specifically because it's Advent. It was everything I guess I'd hope a service could be. I might be hooked. It felt good to reconnect with a community even as a bystander.
Meditation and contemplation practices come and go. I am getting to where I need them. I need to feel centered in my body and make sure my mind realizing it is no longer in charge. I need that everyday.
MIND:
Therapy helped me uncover how my poor self-image affects my relationships, especially with the kids. I said out loud for the first time ever, "I guess it's hard for me to imagine people loving me if I don't love myself." I have said it before and will say again, changing how I view myself will not only help me, it will have ripples in my family.
FUN:
What is the coming of winter without digging out our Lord of the Rings movie trilogy?
I'm also reading the Time Quintet by Madeline L'Engle. My mind is full of fantasy.
Wrapping and buying a few gifts, so many less than years past which feels healthy.
WORK:
We have a work party coming up for which we did a lot of prep for in November. I hope people have a great time. I have received a few emails from clients who appreciated the candy, cards and coffee.
RANDOM:
The shadows are long, the light is faint, the mountains have a dusting of snow. We are planning a January vacation to warmer climes. I am part of a great cycle of life and sometimes that alone is all I need to ponder in a day.