Today I had the chance to meet-up with someone I only see about once a year. He's a creative who spends much of his time traveling for work.
I wanted to bounce some ideas off of him regarding projects I'm considering. We ended up talking about EMDR, trauma and the therapy we've both been through the last two years.
Sometimes when I talk, new things come out of my mouth that I didn't realize before.
One of the biggies today was this realization of how much fear robs you of reality. Trauma doesn't allow you to access memories that have value. You end up with a truly distorted view of reality that squeezes out the good that happens around the bad (hopefully there's some good in there).
Our brains are probably helpful in this way for certain reasons having to do with primitive survival, but it sure doesn't add to quality of life.
KT spent some time on my computer today to pull some photos down from my machine before she left. She uses a web photo program so she left that open after she'd finished. I didn't spend a ton of time browsing because it felt very private, but I did enough to give me a very different feeling for her life right now.
She has a deep rich life, full of friends, work, hobbies, activities and yes, her family. Hypervigiliance has continued to keep me locked in to a more hypervigilant state, not allowing me to consider how rich her life might be.
Clicking through the photos felt like a form of Lifespan in a compressed timeframe. It feels like the coda on this particular process of integrating and neutralizing the PTSD around her life. I have already been doing the brain work; this provided some visual imagery of a very happy KT.
My brain keeps wanting to say that she's in danger; these photos say otherwise.
I am determined to remain vigilant in my healing, for myself first and then for our family, other relationships and hopefully to help people I don't even know. Regaining peace around this child feels fantastic. Onward and upward.