Being Christmas Eve, there is much I could write about.
This is the last Christmas the four of us will be together without a major life change of sharing an adult child and adding the spouse. I could talk about that.
About how it's easier to say no to things and yes to others when it comes to holiday trappings.
About how caroling with 100 strangers around a bonfire year after year seems about the best way to do singing.
About how buying and cooking food together can be more bonding than buying and opening gifts.
But what has been rattling around for days instead is the survey of friends and family that parades through my life in this short span of time each year. As you hand out or mail gifts or cards, you tend to think about a lot of people in a compressed period of time. You check in, ask about what their plans are, who they're seeing, what they're doing, etc.
I realized 1) We have some amazing friends and family 2) They share consistent traits 3) They could easily be living very, very different lives.
What are those traits?
- Intentionally choosing to be with people. This is a wide variety of personality types from introverts to extroverts and all in between. Scientists, docs, social workers, teachers, counselors, and all other kinds of professions as well. They all prioritize being with people.
- They do the heavy-lifting of hosting and organizing events. Not only do they prioritize time with people, every single close friend and several family members are hosting some kind of holiday event. They are doing the planning, cooking, clean-up, etc. They are not just paying lip-service to community; they are doing it. They are making it happen. There are a gazillon other ways to do community with people, I get it. But you know, sometimes someone just needs to be willing to host something and these people do that.
- They are disciplined. Everyone I know making time investments with people at times wishes they had more free time, wishes they weren't hosting something. Everyone I know has decent boundaries; they aren't being taken advantage of. They are choosing to often be the anchor family within a larger network of people. When I thought more about this, I realized that many of our friends play anchor roles in their families. It can be daunting and tiring, but I see in all of them the realization of the importance of their role in people's lives. They may get tired of it, change things up, have boundaries, but they consistently are present and available.
- They are engaged in life. Many of our closest friends have suffered losses of some kind in the past few years. All of them have traveled rough waters, personally and/or professionally. They still are engaged. They didn't allow those things to make them retreat. They are still embracing life and people. Especially people, what often hurts us.
As I look at the year ahead, I find the example within our own set of fellow travelers to be inspiring. I have spent about eighteen months negotiating solitude and isolation in large and small parts. I have needed it, but I realize for me, it is not a healthy path forward. I am reemerging to something different and better.
When I wonder what a good model looks like, it's nice to not look too much further than your list of mates.