It takes time, work, coordination to pull off a large family dinner.
In the past, I felt very resentful of this responsibility. I would always feel glad we did it but wish it didn't take so long and so much work. For someone not in love with cooking, it has felt like a sacrifice.
I would spice up the time with other things I enjoy a bit more... windup toys on the table, a new storytelling game, presents, a walk to the park.
All in all, it all comes together to create the memories we love and need. My Mom was so happy to have everyone together. She called my aunt later who texted and me and said, "Your Mom is so proud of you."
I did try a new storytelling game that I'm working on perfecting and releasing somehow with additional versions. It felt a bit like time stood still. I've never been in a setting with family or friends where the purpose of the time was to tell our own stories. It was magical and I can feel those stories in my heart, connected to each person. I feel a bit more alive because of it.
The time with the girls, always magical and too short. KT had a friend come over last night and we sat around talking and eating. I learn more about the kids when their friends are around. We interact with friends differently than with family most often. I'm proud of the kids and glad we're a family. It hurts to have them around so little. The young woman over is the daughter of one of my best friends. I love that they get to be together more here in town; I wish that was us but it's not.
Soon they'll leave and I'll be back to reevaluating my life and having too much time alone. Therapy moves forward; I wonder when I'll be "done." The work we did this fall has meant this has been one of the best holiday seasons I've ever had. I feel way less triggered. I'm calmer. I'm more clear about my needs and boundaries. I'm managing all the food prep well. I'm less reactive around the kids. Jay and I aren't fighting.
I feel somewhat flat though not depressed? It's a bit of a strange feeling. I am still coming out of this depression but it seems I would have been further along by now. I'm suspicious what I'm experiencing now is some seasonal depression. Kay mentioned going to a tanning bed occasionally in the winter just to get some sun. I'm pondering a sun lamp as well.
All is going well as the holidays unfold and I'm grateful. Life feels blessed with the years of hard work on family life paying off in ways I didn't anticipate. I think this is what faith is largely about. You sense or trust a path and set of beliefs and values, you live into that and see what unfolds.