This was a week again of practicing little fear.
When you remove a constant, it's a curious thing to see what naturally will fold in to take its place.
My mind seems eager to shift blame and be the victim. I caught myself several times not feeling angry or fearful, but being in a scenario with an unfavorable outcome of some kind. I'm shocked at how automatic my shame/blame responses are. It's almost like there hasn't been room for any other feelings. They've crowded out all others.
No wonder you feel flat all the time if your mind is hostage to negative, triggering responses. When you see something that makes you feel sad or challenged, it's too exhausting to talk yourself out of it. "Oh fuck it. Yeah, I guess I do suck and so does my entire life."
That's reason (15) of why trauma sucks... it always wins. It's just too hard to fight the automatic responses. It's like trying to win a fight with a pillow; there's no beginning or end. There's just futility.
I realized last year that I was losing my life. I realized I felt no hope for the future, no hope for my present. Everything I loved and valued, all the people, experiences, memories and hopes for what is to come, if I put all of that in a room and immersed myself in that energy and love, it didn't even move the needle. It didn't make a dent. I couldn't change my mind. It just made me cry and despair more, to realize that my love for them and myself wasn't enough.
With fear moving to the side, I just feel much more at ease. I'm surprised at how the Lifespan work we did this month regarding KT has impacted our time together. I'm more at ease. I feel at peace. I feel grateful.