When good changes have happened, I want to celebrate being Healed.
When I feel my body is still broken in many ways, when my mind feels chaotic still at times, I want to celebrate and remember what has been built and what is now the new normal.
Kay asked us to be in Seattle when she got engaged. She wanted both families together and for that, I feel rich and blessed! I feel like a queen, the matriarch of a family that has bloomed and is blooming still. This is healing.
Their engagement was in the woods by Say's parent's house on a familiar pathway and bridge to him growing up. His Dad was hiding in the trees taking photos. Someone was standing farther down the path on a run and waited until they were done. They said she was the first to congratulate them. What a fun story!
We arrived at the house just after they did and laughed and talked and hugged and cried and laughed and smiled. The Bee's broke out champagne and we all clinked glasses standing around in the living room. What a wonderful touch. I had brought a giant photo album over in my suitcase to have there to look at and was pretty sure they also had photo albums so it wouldn't be intimidating. They brought theirs out and we looked through each other's together. We just talked easily and relaxed in each other's presence telling stories and being together.
The Bee's had made reservations for dinner at a wonderful restaurant that overlooks the city and the Sound. As we began, they informed us this was their treat. They wanted to take us all to dinner. What a gracious gesture and I realized it meant a lot that they did that. It feels like it was a great gift and I accepted it.
We toasted the kids again and I had written a blessing. I was nervous and trying to decide when to read it. I didn't want to be spotlighting myself or doing things that would make them feel like they weren't doing their part, like we should have all written blessings. So I asked the kids and they said they wanted me to read it. I started to choke up and laughed, wondering if I could read it. Elea insisted I read it.
It begins, "Here today..." and then I choked up. That made me laugh and we all laughed so that allowed me to get through it all. Kay loved it and wanted me to send her the copy.
That was the highlight and the glow continued into yesterday when by the day's end when we were back in town, we began texting about wedding planning. We began discussing where to look for wedding dresses and she mentioned wanting to look while here on vacation for the holidays. I said I could scope out shops and make an appointment which seems critical to the experience.
This was our exchange:
Kay: Please let me know if this feels overwhelming!
Me: Not at all babes! Happy to help. I feel I can be a helper and facilitator without any agenda other than it's helpful to you. I know it won't take over my life and will come in fits and spurts. I know you want to plan your own wedding. I'm here to help :) I'm glad to be part of the journey where it makes sense and is fun!
That was written by someone who is Healed.
I did not have to work hard to write that. I flowed out of me that way. I am not now triggered and depressed and exhausted.
That's the difference between trying to do the right thing, trying to be healthy and striving for that, and having it flow out of you naturally. The gap between these two mental and emotional realities spans the spectrum of health. I am striving and exhausted, or I am thriving and at peace, flowing in the energy of life.
To be blunt, it feels like the difference between being alive or being part of the walking dead.
I know how it feels to exist and perform, even at a high level. I perfected getting shit done without any feeling connected to it. I reached a threshold where my body shut down and forced a reevaluation of how we were not living.
So yeah, these are Victories. They are not even small Victories. These are victories of health, life and living, of not giving up, of not surrendering my right to live to death energy, passivity, depression and failure. I will continue to push for Healing and Health in more areas of my life.
Onward.