Rough day. Hard work stuff w/ chaos of employee transitions. I think now what body is having happen is toxic flush and also withdrawal from Baclofen.
I cried today on the way to PT, ready to be done w/ all the doctor visits and the probing.
The providers have saved me when I was struggling to save my own body.
I’m ready to do more to save myself and my body, to be made well.
I’ve been pursuing different providers for help, but have struggled to help myself beyond that.
That’s finally happening and is important piece of the puzzle.
Today, I stepped more fully into resilience and into gratitude.
I could be a person that is never happy or satisfied.
Would my life really be better if we didn’t own our company? If I had never been involved in all I’ve done and had to do?
That’s a pretty bold assertion for my ego to make and demand unhappiness from me.
So today, I just tried to be thankful for what I was seeing, experiencing, eating. I smiled at people, said hello. I was happy to have someone familiar to go for dinner w/ Jay out of town. I was happy to give the puppers a bone, to sit outside, to have medicine I could take, books to read, thoughts to think.
Work is pretty chaotic and not ideal in any way.
I’m having to step up and it won’t be enough. Mistakes have already been made.
I’m doing the best I can and it’s not perfect. So be it.
In my session w/ Kay today, she said, “You are reaching for fear.” Go higher on the emotional scale. Anything other than fear. She also said Jay’s bio mom is not a threat to me, even though in my body it still feels like it is.
So I’m safe.
It felt good to cry and cry I did almost the whole session.
I’ve stopped taking hormones and maybe that’s some of it too.
Anyway, the pain, the poking, the chaos at work and the chaos of the shifting family dynamics I’m still not used to, let’s say I enjoyed my wine tonight.
I’ve started a book on perennial wisdom. We’ll see how that renders.