I have a long list of question to ask Kay.
I am up late not feeling well. I am feeling anxious and my stomach hurts. I’m feeling dizzy. It feels like I’m having a reaction of some kind to something I’m taking.
I have had the feeling that I’m out of control right now. I’m fighting feelings of horrible self-worth and anxiety. I am feeling like I’m forgetting a lot of things about people and things people are doing. I am feeling like I’m overreacting to some things and assuming people will reject me. I feel like I’m talking too much then overreacting to people who do the same to me.
I’m tired of my brain.
My last appointment with Kay, she recommended a neurofeedback place in the valley. I just submitted a request for an appointment with them. I am hopeful it will help.
I just read a section in the book on the irreducible needs of children that kids who do not get appropriate attention as a child can lose the ability to monitor and self-regulate. There was much about what I read resonated. It also made me think of a friend that has a hard time w/ his temper as does one of his closest relatives. I just found out he was separated from his parents when he was a baby for about six months. Who knows quite what happened to him during that time.
I wish we had more support for parents as they raised kids, that we took it super seriously and gave parents the resources they needed and all the support and care they need as they raise kids. Wouldn’t that be a truly amazing things if we did that? Like actually acted like so much was resting on this, which it is. But invested money in some kind of ongoing family support and nurturing.
I believe this is something a church community could do but so often that ends up being a in/out scenario that can instantly be cut off if you don’t fit in or change your views and beliefs.
You should never feel you are cut off from the core people to you based on beliefs. It continues to shatter some deep part of yourself related to identity formation.
I am not crazy and I still need help. Those are both true.
I wrote a list of things that I’m currently stressed about. One of them is how angry I feel about all this couching and rejection over the years w/ family. The phrase I’ve memorized came to mind: “Listen to me Harry. You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person that bad things have happened to. The world isn’t split into good people and death eaters. We’ve all got light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.” Sirius Black.
I should have some phrases and slogans to rebut my mind whenever I’m feeling off and overwhelmed. That one helped.
I’m tired of not being myself. I’m tired of the energy it takes to hide myself.
Our country is violent and red-necked and not oriented in anyway to helping our citizens as a government. It seems everything is under attack that supports people. I want more than this.