We have to do a exterior location shoot for class. I was going to use the clubhouse for where my dad and uncle played for years. I decided against it.
My uncle was a rapist. My dad sexually abused me. Why would I want to spend time somewhere that they hung out for years? I even found old meeting notebooks from the 60’s last time we ate there with their handwriting and notes. They were bigwigs in every sense of the word. Maybe the sway of their other lives of fun, luxury and power continues to how me in thrall somehow. I don’t really know.
Sometimes, I still feel like I have delayed responses. I don’t quite still believe this happened or it was as bad as it was.
Afterall, these were men who also did good things in their communities. I think this is the big issues I continue to grapple with. How do you remember someone who had a very dark side but also brought good to your life? How do you ultimately settle that all in your soul?
It seems important because if you don’t, one of the things that happens is you assume you’re also not doing both good and bad. You put yourself on a different plane and in doing so, are in danger of the same mistakes and blind spots.
I know the things they did, those are things that are prosecuted. By law. The “bad” things they did? We’re not talking about being sort of gossipy or you drive too fast. Not being the loudest one at the party or paying your bills late.
It seems important to remember that as I process this and try and find a place in my soul.
It is a matter as well of maturity and calling a spade a spade. Of knowing what happened and how it happened and that they had choices other people made and they didn’t. They enjoyed the ride and were conditioned and trained to be the center.
I spent hundreds of hours w/ my grandmother who facilitated their upbringing. She was tremendously wounded herself and often said how grateful she was to her husband for essentially rescuing her. That attitude continued on in how she viewed herself and her children and her husband.
My aunt escaped. I only know fully understand how much it cost to do that. She found herself in books and nature and in relationships and words and art. She dove into helping kids and raised my cousin. She loved beautiful things. She and my grandmother were not close.
So I asked myself, what do I love to look at as a person? Do I yet even know what that is? It’s not the clubhouse where the patriarchs of my family played. What building do I love to look at? These are still the very basic questions I am asking myself.
Mid-century modern design and clean lines.
I’m going to go down the street and ask if I can photograph the house w/ the Balazs sculpture in their atrium area. Or I could ask if i could photograph the house the folks bought that own those cool stores downtown. Something like that.
That feels amazing. Like another layer removed.
For some reason, understanding the reality of the situation with my mom has helped me today quite a bit. She is safe, and I’m free. I can stop in weekly or call regularly to check in but their way of living is contributing to their sadness right now. There isn’t much I can do to address that.
*****
So what is next for me? I can feel my brain has receded in activity, and I’m just now perking back up again. I’m ready to dive in, learn and continue to put into practice what I’ve already learned. Not immerse and disappear into books and learning, but still believe in orthopraxy in daily living and especially in relationships which is how we find each other.
Now reading Leaves of Grass and just finished an essay in the back on the book itself written by the author. In it, he says he says, speaking of American, “It awaits the gigantic and generous treatment worthy of it.”
This piqued my interest. Might that be what I’m trying to do? Find a way to artistically share these themes that have occured in my life, of surviving trauma, of remaining in people’s lives who’ve hurt you? Of choosing community over only self? Of owning your own life, of living your own life while staying connected to others? Independence within community and honor?
I’m inspired to keep going, to believe these thoughts and concepts are worth bringing to the world.