Therapy today and insights in the last 24-hours have finally resolved the mystery of my recent recurring PTSD.
Last night at improv, the instructor started by saying, “Trust eliminates fear.”
Ohhhh… so I don’t feel I can truly trust any of these people. I can’t trust them. Not one of them. So why would I feel secure?
That still doesn’t fully explain the intensity of my reactions of late.
Then today driving while pondering this, it came to mind: my step-sister is playing the role my mother did in the past: blocking, denying, whining, deflecting, stonewalling. Essentially, preventing any kind of normal decision-making to take place and instead, managing things herself and only sometimes drawing in people for help or decision-making. She’s playing the exact role my mother played when the subject of illness was my father.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Wow.
That’s huge.
So this situation, aside from just being downright insanity-provoking, is triggering my childhood PTSD with all the same characters and plot: I’m trying to get help and get safe and help people see the crisis at hand. A man is blocking things and being difficult. An adult woman is really blocking things and also, not considering my needs or keeping me safe. And in this case, yet another adult, this time my mother, is the one who doesn’t even realize she’s in danger and also refuses to help herself. Oh, and I’m the only one able to see it all and have the authority to make things happen and change.
So as we processed this, I felt relief at the realization of what this is all about. I felt like the potential for this to trigger me dissipating. We talked about how this has been a process for me, starting with the need for intellectual understanding of what was happening then moving to accepting I needed to start making behavioral changes and have a toolkit of behavioral options that I use when the situation arises where I’m stressed in some way. So moved from the head to the body.
It felt like a milestone session and my own work and engagement, being willing to be guided by my true self and divine within, helping make it all possible. Team work. Couldn’t do it without Kay.
I realized I want to be more engaged w/ my own life and not have my parents be my emotional focus. They have dominated my life for decades. I’m tired of it and Kay showed me how on the emotional scale, boredom is the last emotion on the scale before you break into the top seven positive emotions. I’m ready for that.
Feeling very grateful tonight for a healthy life again and an emotional life healthier than it’s ever been.