Saw parents three times in last four days. That’s too much, but what we accomplished… worth it.
Now for my tropical trip.
I’m amazed at how well the movers and packers did. It was truly a feat. I need to sit back and enjoy the change and the improvement.
I was up at the apartment twice and mainly could only see what could be better. I need to rest and know my mom has three meals a day, no longer has to cook for her husband and can do activities, have her meds taken care of by professionals and care staff.
She’s no longer in the home of people I don’t fully trust. She’s still living with one of them but I know he cares about her. He just doesn’t seem able to help significantly, or I should say, practically.
However, she has dementia, and he doesn’t lose his patience with her. He lets her have her crazy spells and say the apples are causing her to get sick because they’ve been filled with poison. He just takes it all in and absorbs it all.
So it is what it is. She’s probably better with him as a companion. I hope she’s able to take part in activities. I hope she can relax and actually have a retirement. I’ve done all I can in the significant realm and she is safer and healthier and happier now.
Thank you to God, the universe, the good energy that has lined up to help. Thank you and thanks to myself for doing all the hard work.
*****
This has thrown my mental health into a loop. I’ve been flatlined the last two days. Not depressed, but not feeling much. Pretty under the window as Kay would say.
What’s different now, is my self-shame talking seems to have disappeared. I was able to realize that I’ve been really affected by all this and most likely am depressed and down on some level. That feels normal. I know it will get better. I know I’ll pull out of it. I know I will do the self-care things I need to do.
As a result, the depression or flatness doesn’t seem that big of a deal, w/o all the shitty self-talk, the self-flaggilation, the catastrophizing. The endless anxious thoughts and sense that everything is ending.
It’s literally like I’m becoming a different person in stressful situations.
I have confidence in my ability to help myself, and also that things will get better.
I know I have to rest and to believe things will get better. I have to rest and sit back and be amazed at all that was accomplished in the last two months especially, four months since disaster struck and the last many, many years of anguish over my mom’s state of living out at the property.
This is no small feat.
I need to celebrate that as a life milestone and not just rush onto the next things or keep trying to make things better and better. I need to stand back and let their staff do their jobs and keep to mine.
I need to get back to focusing on myself and my projects. I need to rest. I need to start to laugh and enjoy life again knowing the folks are happy where they are. I need to keep getting healthier and let that continue.
I just want to make note of how significant these changes are. It seems several things are all coming together.
Finally, my pelvic pain seems to be getting better as well. I am stretching aggressively, yoga, walking. I feel there is a connection.
With this flatness, I would lose all desire to do good things. I’d stay up late, let things fall apart, etc. Now I want to stay on a routine and do good things. I want to see things be in order and let that change. It feels amazing to know that a bad day or weekend won’t derail all my good progress. I will have a slow day and rest more tomorrow, but I’ll not be trashed and just do distracting activities while responsibilities fall to the wayside. I’ll back off some, but get excited to travel and stay on top of responsibilities here.
I am so, so grateful.
It feels good to be getting healthy.
Spokane, WA