The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
- Albert Einstein
Today my parent’s things are being packed by professionals. I’m not there.
I’m sitting here at home, just returned from class and had lunch. Working on my notes and next steps for the rest of the day.
I’m not going insane. I’m not gritting my teeth. I’m not having a pelvic flare due to stress. I’m having a mostly normal day, as normal as it is to have your mom getting moved and have business issues.
I worked in the afternoon then went to a PT appointment for my right hip this time. I am extremely hopeful that some of my tightness in my hips in general has been contributing all these years to my pelvic flares.
We talked at length about the flares I’ve had and how often they can be related to bladder issues. She talked about MEN who have the same issues and their flares show up in the muscles around their prostate, etc. They have pain with intercourse. They are in frequent pain and their flares seem to take longer to relax and die down. Some patients have to come in regularly to have her relax their internal muscles. Many take pain meds. She said some get suicidal. The pain is bad and the stigma for them in unbearable. Women have “these” kinds of issues, not men.
So I’m learning a lot about pain and our bodies and each other in all of this.
*****
At group, the facilitator for the evening talked about having mystical experiences. Everyone shared and everyone had had something happen that they couldn’t understand. All of us felt God was involved, but none of us felt it was particularly “comforting.” It was some kind of truth or experience we needed to move forward somehow, even if for the awareness that there is something out there besides our physical selves and world.
I love our little community. We respect each other and love on the kids running around and are just learning and growing together.
What also felt nice was as my body calms down and I get out of F/F/F, I feel less need to be in charge, to speak up, to have my voice heard. I’m happier to listen to others and let others share. I feel less need to have something happen in that moment to momentarily make me feel better about myself. There isn’t the urgency to grab meaning from a moment. My soul is settled, my body is my own. I can cede time and space and energy to other safe passengers on the journey with me.