I decided yesterday to go ahead and go out to the house during the beginning of the move process.
The individual I hired has not met my parents before. I asked if she’d like me to introduce her to my parents and my step-sister, and she agreed.
I felt fine going out there. I didn’t feel anxious or angry. It just seemed like a good thing to do. It allowed me to write up a schedule of events for mom for the next several days. It allowed me to take her valuable jewelry out and some of the photos. It allowed me to just be there at the start of the entire process, make contact, introduce this person taking my place then go back with my day. I was there 1.5 hours.
I had to come back into town to go to a panel I was speaking on. That went pretty well, just something to do to help a friend. I came home and was pretty relaxed. I still had some wine and smoked a ciagrillo, just to confirm that I am not in a packing mode, and I am doing okay.
I took a short nap and now am working on homework from the last photo shoot and videos on how to use all the Adobe products.
I just finished an article on having routines and eliminating as much energy around decisions as possible, thus things like what do I wear, do I have clean clothes, what do I eat, etc. are all decided, giving your brain more time to think on things you want to think about.
I already do some of that, but could definitely ramp up my game on that front. Jay is really good about that, but at times, too good. He could loosen up, but work has been hard to feel he can relax which I understand.
So, I made it through today just fine. I feel disconnected and didn’t feel emotional. The acupuncturist talked about EMDR calming down your central nervous system as well as the acupuncture and other things. I do feel calmer. Could be the med I’m taking as well.
I’m worried about Jay and the business. I’m glad I’m more stable and calm. He needs that from me right now. I don’t know what else I can add.
So I made the drive to the country, I’m leaving it up to the pros tomorrow and Friday. I’ll make an appearance at the new place on Friday. I will be easy on myself for everything. My body has taken the blows of all this stress for decades. It’s time to move on.
Like I said in one session with Kay, I’m tired of all of it. I’m tired of worrying. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of trying to figure out who’s right and who’s wrong. I just don’t care. I want my life back, and that means I have to stop engaging it all and let it all go. Just let it and the situation and all the people go.
*****
Jay had a rough day at work. I’m strangely calm. It’s spring. We didn’t have someone just blow up our street in a suicide attack. I didn’t get triggered today being involved w/ the family. We go to Hawaii in a week. Our business is stable, sort of. My health needs are diminishing as I get more serious about my own health and strengthening.
I am hopeful Jay can ride this out, that sales can come in, that the company just can keep moving forward. It is so very hard to manage all of the levers in it all. Jay is a phenomenal programmer; sometimes I wonder if this is the best place for him, in his own business. I don’t know. It’s a good place for a lot of people, including us, but not if the stress and uncertainty around sales continues.
I could get involved a bit more, but I don’t know if it would help in the long run.
In the end, we are trying our best, Jay is trying his best. I pray we are lined up with what is right in the world and make the hard decisions, do the hard work.
*****
Finally, yesterday I was at my improv class and for some reason, it just hit me: everyone has problems and triumphs. None of us are immune. We all struggle, and we all think about the big things in life. In that, every person is connected.
If you tell a story, you are connecting to someone.
We are not alone in our failures and our attempts to overcome them.