I’ve got a lot of thoughts on parenting and kids and relationships in general.
I’m 52, my kids are grown, so it seems I have the right to have a few thoughts though it still doesn’t feel like I’m old enough yet.
Some key things I’ve learned the last few years especially as my kids are now launched adults:
Focus on the big picture, not the little picture. What is the big picture, you say? That they will some day be adults and they need preparation and skills for that experience, for the rest of their lives. They will only live with you roughly 18 years. They will have more time living away from you than living with you which right now seems truly impossible as they’re so close and so real and so amazing/awful/dreadful/delightful/scary/challenging/splendid.. pick your adjective of choice.
The little picture is things like getting into a specific play, having a perfect haircut, decorating their room perfectly. These are truly not important things AT ALL in terms of the big picture.
How do you focus on the big picture? Know a little bit of what you think someone needs to be a happy, healthy adult then backmap that out from there. Look ahead, then make small decisions each day primarily about how you treat them and what you all choose to spend your time doing.
Another thing: they are going to have interests that mean absolutely nothing to you. If you can rise to the occasion, try and have moderate interest in that passion or interest of theirs. Have a layperson’s understanding of the basics of that pursuit that you can’t understand one bit. Especially don’t say stupid things about why on earth do they like that. This has been one of the more shocking things of parenting, especially as kids get older and their selves develop; these are your closest genetic relatives and they could be very different than you. Nothing you do can change that. This is a great chance to grow and practice tolerance and unconditional love. It’s also a chance for your kids to learn about you and your weird interests they don’t understand and try and appreciate that as well.
Are you trying to clone yourself? Do you want a mini-me? If so, just stop. Literally, stop the insanity. It will ruin your kid and your relationship.
Please try and pass down basic values, and by that, I mean being honest, caring for others, caring for yourself, being respectful of sacred things, being punctual and thankful, working hard. Don’t force values that are trendy, like certain diets, or a person everyone has to read or like.
Chances are, if you focus on basic values, let kids be themselves and the unique self to develop, the best of yourself and themselves and your family culture will go out into the world.
There is a 100% chance you will have something in common with your kid(s), and a 100% chance there will something you are opposite on. Don’t be proud of one and freaked out by the other. This is how genetics works, motherfucker. Are you okay with all of that? Because that’s literally how it works. This isn’t a discussion about parenting approaches; this is DNA 101.
If you’re segmented your life in ways such that people around you have the same exact ideas and values, parenting may not be for you. Chances are, if you’re hyper-religious, you’re going to grow an atheist. Vegan, a meat-eater. The more forcefully extreme you are, the more your kid is going to rebel.
Look deeper and see that underneath, they passionately want to be loved and want your acceptance. It’s not hard to give, but you have to get passed some of your own hang-ups to do that.
If you’re fucked up, get serious about personal growth. Your kids need you to do that more than anything. They need a healthy you, so there’s a better chance you won’t fuck up them.