I am trying to understand the core emotions of what I feel in this situation with my parents.
It is heartbreak and a feeling of abandonment. I feel people are trying to protect themselves and let me do hard work that is not acknowledged. Yesterday my mom said, when I mentioned taking her to the hair salon, that that seemed right because my step-sister is doing so much.
So now, I can see clearly she is wanting to make sure our parents see all she is doing and is planting seeds to that effect. I’ve seen her do it before.
Maybe these are things I’ve done in the past, little insecurities where I crave attention at the expense of others. Maybe that’s why it’s so disturbing; i know what she’s doing and why.
I guess I’ve conducted myself in a way largely out-of-sight and haven’t expected any praise. Some of that hurts as well. I guess you always want your parents to be happy with you, and it seems is sure an elusive goal I can’t shoot for. I don’t even know why it’s still in me, that desire, after all these years and so much pain. I think it’s hardwired into kids and you have to actively weed that out of your soul.
Overall, it’s just really a hard situation. I’m trying to move my mom on limited resources and the people saying they’re helping so much are at the end of the day, not. They’re actually blocking and being difficult. I am acting on doctor’s orders and that seems inconsequential.
I have been too aggressive in two meetings on this topic. I have made things worse most likely with my step-dad as I felt he was blocking so I chested up. I have to decide if I can afford this, to demand my version of justice.
I’m trying to envision a reality where they pay very little and are on their own with the shitstorm that will come when they have to apply for Medicaid. I will find out from the attorney tomorrow what that looks like for a married couple.
Overall, I just have to make a plan and make decisions about my next steps then go do that or wait without obsessing until that time is near. I can’t let it dominate my thoughts. I have to be calm and more than anything, not reactive. I have to rise above and see what is really happening, not what I read into something or feel like the victim.