Well, I went into therapy today with big questions.
I am tired of being angry. I’m tired of feeling hostile and so threatened by this family of people and my own mother.
I spent time processing this with Kay, asking for clarification on the tools to use to actually be healthy in such difficult situations. We landed on several things, all having to do with compassion, an accurate view of reality and appreciation, joy, distraction, and upcoming EMDR sessions.
Even today, it all feels different than just yesterday when I laid awake and spun this in my head for almost an hour.
I don’t feel threatened as much. That energy seems to have dissipated. I don’t feel the need to retaliate. I feel less agitated and angry. I feel less like a victim. I definitely want to think about it all less and be more emotionally supportive to my mom. Right now, I’m just too busy w/ the details to be present.
I’m tired. Kay mentioned that, that you just seem worn out. I am worn out. I’d like to move on with other endeavors in my life.
She talked about remembering the good things about my mom, and there are many from my childhood. In the last several years, the main one that stands out was her making breakfast for our office staff. She said once she liked to do it, because it meant she’d see me at least weekly. That’s really, really loving and caring.
Kay said she gave her power away to men. She never felt like she was good enough. She never felt she had agency except when she’d get angry. She was more bossy in a way with my dad, in control of his health and illnesses, always trying to do something to make him better. She gave away most of her life to things like this an the church validated this activity, made her feel good about herself for all her self-sacrifice. Men and women, praising women for having no self of their own. Wonder why I left religion behind…
My step-sister continues to spin out and is decompensating over things being said, misunderstandings, etc. I’m just continuing to bypass it all, try and take a different approach and just get the work done. I don’t have to pick up the ball and play the game. I don’t. That’s been very freeing.
Kay was proud of me I think for trying hard to see this differently and go about it in a new way. I hope I can find tools and practices that keep me grounded. It feels like a very, very big turning point in my life, one I don’t want to miss and just keep going on without any change. The next time something happens that I could be rageful about, I have a new way of approaching it. That feels like strength under it all. For me it’d be like a superpower, to be able to control myself.
I was very grateful for therapy today. Next week, we’re going to do EMDR on how this feeling is in me now and when it first started. I hope to continue to find freedom from this deep F/F/F pattern.