Life isn’t as serious as the mind makes it out to be.
- Eckhart Tolle
I’ve been spending more time talking with the family about my mom’s healthcare. My step-sister is heading out of town, and we need coverage for her medications. I’ve been calling home health agencies and learning about yet another part of the aging puzzle in America.
My brother suggested he could help one day for coverage, and his wife could but she’s working. I was like, “Um, she hates us all? And we don’t have a relationship?”
I started to get ramped up, thinking about talking with him about this, when, how, what I’d say, what he’d say. Then I read this and was also reminded of the need to not do any of these things. I can rest, be true to myself and it’ll work itself out. I’ll talk with him about it at some point, but I don’t need to be anxious about it until then.
This is definitely a new way of living and thinking. It’s time. It’s time to just be honest and also, not stressed. It’s time to keep my boundaries but also, be loving. I don’t need to protect my brother from his reality or what this has been like for me. I also don’t need to shove his face in all this.
I hope I can pull it off. I think I have a better chance of it the longer I can stay relaxed and not hyperplan the conversation.
*****
Today, Valentine’s Day. Yesterday, Jay gave me a card without any writing in it. He said he’d written out his feelings on a piece of paper, and it never made it into my card. So tonight, we went through the garbage to see if he could find it. No go.
I think the entire experience was more meaningful than whatever he had actually written. He was determined to write his thoughts and sad it was lost. He dug through garbage. I love him.
For my part, we had a nice time last night, w/ candles and music. He was happy.
*****
My hip hurts a lot today. This week, I’ve had three appointments, one each day, for my back and hip. Two PT, one massage. All of them moved my hips around a lot. I had to take pain medicine today.
I had coffee with a friend yesterday whose back is really hurting. She has a bulging disc. We both are smart women whose bodies have taken a beating. I hope we can get to a point where we’re doing better. She deserves a break, relief from pain. I hope she gets it.
*****
I was talking with Jay yesterday about why I love winter. Here’s a few thoughts:
Am I the only one that loves winter?
The pink snow.
The blue shadows.
The drawn shades.
The burrowing inward.
The low, gray sky.
The deep footprints.Am I the only one that doesn’t miss spring?
The spitting fire.
The dog cuddled up.
The crunchy sidewalks.
The sweaty, shoveling workouts.
The layers.
The glittering.Am I the only one that doesn’t miss summer?
The coolness, always.
The calm, the quiet.
The heavy blanket.
The choice to rest.
The choice to reflect.Am I the only one that doesn’t miss fall?
The still ground.
The sleeping animals.
The strange lives below.
The ice patterns.
The hush.
The ducks, single-file, on the ice.The art.
The pause.
The moment(s).
The chance.
*****
Update on digital hygiene: I’ve stopped checking things on my phone except messages. Once a day, I might check Instagram. A few times a day I might check email, but on purpose.
What I’ve stopped doing is, if I check messages or answer messages, that’s it. I don’t then swipe through to all other kinds of apps. I am intentional and this is good.
*****
This has been a brutal week for Jay. The replacement staff member started that is taking over for the guy being fired.
We didn’t know what he would do, the fired guy. Would he be willing to train his replacement or just walk off? Would he be an ass or behave? So far he’s behaving. We also had a new sale come in that could be really large.
I’m very, very happy for Jay. He’s worked harder than anyone I know for the last few years and then, the years before that. I hope for his sake alone things come together. He believes in what we’re doing and how we’re helping people, our staff, clients and community. I pray it does but that whatever happens, we don’t lose our values and our focus.