I’m tired but good.
Last night we saw the movie Harriet about Harriet Tubman. What a powerful person she was, and her legacy reverberates on. The soundtrack is moving as well. I cried several times. Amazing screenplay.
There was an article today in the Spokesman about a Spokane Indian who was abused as a child by two older cousins.
The article rightly says, “He endured horrific trauma as a child.”
In the article, he talks about how prison finally saved him. ““Prison saved my life,” he said. “For the first time at age 31, I finally opened up and told someone about the abuse. The abuse had shaped my view of myself and of the world.”
He also says, ““At 37, I’m still fighting for my mental health,” Pakootas said. “I’m still battered, but my journey today is about healing.”
So there you go.
Three people this week, all talking about how they are trying to have their stories make a difference in the world, but that their traumas severely altered their lives. James went as far as to say he’s still fighting for his mental health.
When a woman says that, it sounds hysterical. When a man says that, I believe people might listen a little closer.
When I think of my own story, I imagine that my outward success might make it more compelling for people to realize someone with talent can be destroyed by what abuse does to your mind, how it alters your view of yourself and the entire world. It can leave a strong person powerless to combat basic daily stressors and life’s challenges.
I feel this week that I was directed in this particular way to begin writing and telling my story.
The story yesterday in this blog about Alexandria, telling her story and having it make a difference.
I guess the third person this week that made an impact was Rich Roll. He talked about how he was a former addict and how he has a story he’s told dozens of times and it no longer feels like his story. He wants to change it and make it different.
So it seems time.
Today, I’m trying to get my head around my head.
I wander around the house and the schedule has helped me stay focused.
I also went out today and exercised when instead I felt like just going to bed in the late morning. It’s been a long, long week.
I started a list of things that I need to do when I feel certain feelings. Today I was feeling overwhelmed. So I started off with exercise which got my brain working better.
I am enjoying this process of discovering myself.
I’m enjoying the uncovering and the discovery of tools and adaptive strategies to do better than before. I like the lists and the reading and the hopefulness. I like learning about what’s made me tick all these years and changing. I dont’ always like the change part, but I’m excited for the results. I’m glad to just be doing better.
Today my pelvic pain is very minimal. My stomach is normalizing. I’m trying to pause and realize how wonderful all that is.
*****
I woke up the other night with two strong images: forgive your mom and stop rearranging everything in your kitchen.
You need to forgive once and for all and you need to stop hiding with your distractions and organizing.
Those seem to fall into line w/ all the messages this week of “get busy.”
I’m glad I haven’t had much time or ability to write before now to be honest.
I would have written a lot of self-righteous things that I would have regretted.
I told Kathy a few weeks ago that I used anger to protect myself.
No one listened to me. I got gaslighted and was a mess and had to work to take care of unhealthy people around me who were flunking in life. It used up a lot of my time and good energy and I was mad about it. I didn’t know how to say no so I kept doing it and that made me more angry. I used anger to make sure at least one person in the world knew something was wrong and wasn’t going to roll over and accept it.
The problem with anger instead of action is it eats the person up inside who thinks it’s helping something. That’s what it did to me. I didn’t give in but it ate me up.
I’ve released that and realize in time, when you forgive, you change. You become a different person and a little less like the person or incidents that shaped you. It frees you from the connection and the ongoing shaping that happens with someone you’re that connected to.
It means that maybe you’re not going to be the same kind of ass that this other person was.
Forgiveness gives you the chance to be your true self, not just a being shaped by others. Forgiveness helps you get free yourself. It means you might not be hated by the people after you. It’s a gift.
So here I am today watching myself w/ an entire afternoon and evening to myself.
What did I choose to do? What am I attracted to when Jay is out of town? What feels best?
I cleaned and organized of course. Wrapped some Christmas gifts. I’m writing now.
I’m observing myself and can see the ADD in action if I don’t control it. I can see the hiding in the busyness and the fear and the constant sorting and resorting of things. I’m so done w/ things and stuff. I’m even done w/ a lot of gift-giving. It’s getting harder to know what anyone likes and we’re all busy. I know my gift-giving has to do w/ neediness and that’s diminishing.
Yesterday I spent time w/ two people in the art community, just a few minutes apart.
All of them are people that I hope to work with someday.
One of them, I’d love for her to commission a poem I’m writing. I don’t know if I ever will. I didn’t bring it up. as a way to be needy and I would have done that before. The other was a couple that needed a ride and own a gallery I’d love to be in some day. I didn’t mention my photography to them either. I just helped them and let it go at that.
All of these folks are real artists and I’m not in their league. I’ve been busy with this business and raising kids and writing and doing all my fussing at home. Trying to get well mentally and physically. I haven’t honed in on a craft. But I didn’t feel intimidated for once. I just tried to ask questions and enjoy being with all of them.
I’m realizing that I’ve been odd and am still odd on some things socially. I’ve made a lot of people uncomfortable w/ my strangeness and neediness. I’ve sent out grasping energy. I know that now.
I’m sad that it’s been that way so long, and sad why it is. All I can do now is see it and change it.
It feels so good to be changing and to see the changes. I’m still amazed it’s happening. I feel like things are actually changing for good.
So the past week felt like the divine parting the waters and saying, “It’s time” but also, “You’ll always be learning.” Nothing is done. I’ll always find more and more will be revealed as it should. That’s not a failure; that’s life.
Slow but sure I’m going to get beyond just organizing and arranging things and getting rid of stuff to creating and putting things out there.
What I’ve learned and experienced up until now though is the story. “You’re living the story,” I hear in my head one time when I was sad about my life situation. I guess I’d love to share about it more now than ever without abandoning what I’ve been doing and esp. not Jay.
On we go.