Starting the day better today, up late/early.
I need to do my own thing. I need to get my brain into other projects and get my body and soul into art.
I don’t know what that looks like, but it needs to happen.
I’ve been doing some of that while here, and it’s making a difference in how I’m viewing everything.
Good conversations about being together, KT saying she wanted to be w/ the fam for kayaking instead of going to the zoo.
*****
We ended up doing sea kayaking and it was a bit of a shock. We thought we were doing a tour and it turned out to only be a rental of boats. It also wasn’t communicated at all that we needed wetsuits or we’d be soaked.
We all slid into mostly chilly, damp wetsuits and tried to be chipper about it all. No one violently complained which was wonderful. It turned out we saw a sea lion very close to our boats and some dolphins, birds and kelp.
It was fun to just be on the water and be together doing something active and fun.
I had also boogie boarded and realized how much I need to be active and get energy out. It changed my attitude from being too focused and grumpy and critical of myself and everyone. Getting bashed and rolled around in the water was amazingly therapeutic, way way WAY more so than if I’d just sat around and tried to meditate for the same amount of time.
Getting my thoughts in order and understanding things has helped my recovery, but we’re bodies not just minds. Our bodies need healthy attention and good activities. It’s critical.
*****
I laid awake at night thinking about how I am continuing to choose the life I want to live, and that I’m not a victim. It felt good to remember that again.
Life at the beach and on vacation in general feels so peaceful. I was so stressed the last few months around the holidays dealing constantly w/ our families there, esp. my family. I needed to get away. John’s bio family has added another twist that comes and goes for me in intensity and interest. I have focused too much in my life on helping others and am concerned that this is yet another family that will need emotional and physical support from us over the years. I also still feel Jay hasn’t really attached to me in a way that means we do fun activities and aren’t just serious. That’s changing but it’s a work in progress. I guess I’m jealous that this new person will take the tiny scrap of emotional energy and care that he’s exhibiting. I don’t yet know how fully to deal w/ that other than make sure he knows this is his deal and no one else is really interested right now.
So yeah, all that the last few months so coming here feels amazing. Amazing.