Yesterday I had kind of a weird mini-breakdown not unlike last week. I was so incredibly anxious and uptight. I couldn’t relax and was so depressed and down. It was scary.
I’ve been struggling w/ how to handle being at work more, relaxing and the sense of waiting for life to start.
I had a long talk w/ Jay about sexuality, being uptight, being human. He said sexuality for him is more about his body and less about him and his soul. He feels there are alot of things you just have to do or do that are a result of your body and not your soul. He loves sex and feels it’s closer to him as a soul than other things but it’s not his soul.
I thought that was kind of profound and helped me figure a few things out. We talked at length about sex and I wasn’t triggered.
Today was signficantly better. My pain is also better.
He mentioned that I spend a lot of energy managing pain. He said I spend time on my phone, am distracted. I had to pull it out of him; he wasn’t eager to share, but it was helpful to see what he sees.
There are occasional times when I can step back and really see my humanness, my animal-ness. When I realize there are alot of things I do that are just because I’m an animal programmed a certain way. I try and try to change things and often times, it’s super hard. Our body and brain is hardwired for routine and predictability. That’s not how change happens.
So changing some of these longstanding behaviors and beliefs is challenging, but worth it.
I have to remember though it’s work. It’s not insignificant so I need to have compassion for myself.