I feel pretty darn good today after a low-key weekend w/ some pelvic pain onboard a bit.
I spent a lot of time this weekend and today processing some new thoughts regarding anger and my body and people and memories.
I feel like I’ve been culminating to this new place of acceptance of people. I created a graph to help me figure this out:
I think alot about Thomas Merton’s story, how he one day just saw everyone as light, shining like the sun. I’ve tried to focus more on what I have in common with people and see our shared goodness and humanity. I wouldn’t say I’m trying with my head; more just allowing to consider that they are good people and then choosing to not think angry thoughts.
I’ve had so much anger and hatred toward people. I have so much lack of forgiveness, and it’s made me sad.
I’ve hung onto it as a way to stay safe. I’m very aware that’s why I’ve done it. I have had a very good reason to feel that way. I’ve had a tremendous amount of people around me that have been unsafe. Short of completely leaving everyone completely, I’ve had to stay in the game to some extent and try and protect myself. I came close to leaving several people as a result and now am creating boundaries, repairing some and getting healthier in general myself.
This feels like some of the most important writing I could be doing right now as this has held me back in my own sense of identity, happiness and good relationships. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say I’ve been sad, uptight or anxious on some low to medium level most of my life including up to recently.
I am not sure what it has been that has finally shifted. I am starting to feel much safer and I’m tired of being angry. I think those both are really important. It’s taken a lot of work to feel safe. It’s taken work to acknowledge I have to stop being angry. If you can’t stop being angry until you’re safe, you need to focus on getting safe before your life can begin again. Safety is a core human need. It’s not up-for-grabs, for a pastor to determine what “safe” really means, for someone in your family to explain to you how you’re actually very safe, etc. Our bodies know when we’re not safe. Many, many of us are in what appear to be normal relationships and we’re not safe. It’s also possibly you’re doing things that make your most intimate partners and relationships feel unsafe.
I have had to make significant changes of my own to eliminate unhealthy behaviors that I came with out of my childhood. There are behaviors that need to go, there are ones that are annoying or need work. I had ones that were toxic and needed to go, toxic to me and others.
So what’s happening as I feel safer with people, bring my locus of control into my body and not on others and also am ready to not engage anger, I am finding I am more relaxed around people that I am different from. We had lunch today w/ a guy on our staff who is really incredible. He is also a gun owner and Fox News fan. But our souls connect on many deeper levels and he’s an amazing employee and human.
I found today spending time that i felt that gratitude for him and a connection of all we have in common instead of the awareness and tension around him being different than me on areas I care a lot about. I really was focusing on these Shared areas and had those in the forefront. It didn’t take a ton of work though. The need to separate him out and put myself higher seemed gone. I don’t even really quite know how it’s finally happening.
I also tried this the other evening out w/ Jay’s sister and her husband. Again these are pretty amazing people in so many ways, but they are really far right. I just focused on what we have in common and how lovely they’ve been to us over the years. It meant we could still hang out.
The relief is unbelievable. I have been so judgmental and that’s also made me strangely needy in all these weird ways. I’ve also had my locus of control outside myself so pretty unstable is how I’ve also felt.
The reality is, this helps with most people in my life I can tell. There will be a few though where I think the Shared area is smaller and sometimes, all that’s really in there are memories. It’s too hard to maintain a relationship. Even in those cases, I find that remembering why we had good times to begin with helps me keep them in a positive light in my soul and not darkness.
Sometimes, there are relationships where they have gotten so bad or toxic, you will struggle to have any good memories or you’ve been deeply violated or hurt or abused. I would say that’s a different, harder topic, and I’m only just now getting a sense of what that will even look like for me. There are a few people I can’t hold in a good light, and will probably always be that way for reasons of my own safety. There are indeed completely unsafe people in the world for more than just you. They need help, they need to be stopped, they need to be held accountable. This isn’t what I’m talking about.
I will safe w/ my parents, especially my father, this exercise is providing me some relief and to gain back somehow into my life now the good memories we did have that were ruined by the later years of abuse and dysfuction. I’ve been able to see that he was truly miserable, physically and mentally. He suffered some of the same depression and anxiety-driven thoughts I have and without alot of support other than my mom. Her life was really ruined by the experience as well and it was a tragedy.
I can tell they both were trying their best to be a family, to raise us and provide. I can honor that. I don’t have to let that fall to the wayside. It does me good, it does the universe good. That doesn’t mean that much of my life w/ them from about 15 or so onward was good especially with my dad. Things didn’t improve until he died when I was 30. Things w/ mom were never great but improved. I just know they tried, and I know they both started out life with a lot of huge issues that there were never able to fully resolve.
So that’s a digression but this is such important stuff.
I’ve been very, very black and white on relationships. When I’ve been hurt, it’s been hard for me to move on while not holiding it against them. It’s been hard to wish them well. It’s also not something I could ever discuss w/ anyone. I feel that loosening up quite a bit. People are complex and in all stages of growth and development. It’s really okay to move on but remember you connected at one time and that’s okay to remember with fondness.