A full day of thoughts and activities.
I’ve met with two friends in the last few days who are also having issues w/ their parents about Trump and politics.
Never have I ever seen anything like this before in my lifetime.
I could say you could blame cable “news” for taking down basic family connections over the last decade especially. It really started ramping up about five years ago w/ it accelerating like light speed during the Trump takeover.
It breaks my heart up, really. If Putin imagined he could take out the US and start w/ family, he has won. I don’t know where things will go from here, but families are in disarray even more than before. I have the very best friends who have many come out of the evangelical system to live beautiful, gracious lives. None of them want to be estranged from their families, but their parents have adopted fear as a way of life within a religous system and TrumpCorp fits neatly into that. It would be too much to walk away from it all. Too much. So they buy it all.
It’s something worth writing about from my own perspective. I guess it’s time.
I was feeling frustrated again this evening about a weekend approaching w/o any activities planned. I checked the paper for events and low and behold, the Civic had a great studio theater show called The Book of Will. We ate at the Irish restaurant and walked across the park to the theater. It was kind of amazing really. I was cranky at first as I get tired of being the one that always suggests local events. Jay suggested the dinner place. I got over it and just enjoyed the time together. I’m glad he wants to be together.
Much of my insecurity is not feeling secure. I guess that’s obvious.
The desire for security and the feeling of insecurity are the same thing. - Alan Watts
I don’t feel secure in myself quite yet. I have these truly deep longings that aren’t being fulfilled.
But today, I was reminded of the time the Voice spoke into my mind: You are living the story. That was the time I was having great angst about not having time to write and feeling like my life was passing me by. I need to remember this.
Tonight, walking across the park and into the theater, it was a rhythm and way of being and location and setting that felt right. I felt something calm in my soul, that voice I’m trying to listen to more. It was like, this is something I’ve been looking for. I don’t know if it’s theater or the stories or being out of the combination of it all. It was lovely. It made me feel so much less crazy, that these longings are real and I hope to keep searching and mostly, finding.
Today after coming back from a walk and feeling angsty, I heard the Voice say, “It’ll be alright.” I feel tired and anxious about all this training at work and it was an amazingly gracious thing to hear. So yeah, I want to believe that. I think I can.
I am looking forward to not doing my daily journal anymore at year end.
I am excited to be largely out of pain.
I am hopeful to be more connected to Jay.
I am disgusted by some of my attitudes about stuff, success, energy, etc.
I am very much wanting more than ever to write and be involved in the arts. I like the idea of being more energetic and less quiet. I’m inspired by some of the Queer Eye guys, especially JVN. I am ready to get out of my shell some. Maybe acting would be a good first step, at least being out there acting like someone else.
Tonight during the show, there was a scene where someone had just lost his wife. He goes to the theater to find comfort, during the night. He doesn’t go to church.
I thought a lot about their time together in the theater, as his other friend showed up. They talk about love and loss, about why they do theater… to hear the stories, to feel the loss and humanity and laughter and joy, everytime they speak and participate. The telling of the stories soothes their souls, over and over. They feel blessed to be involved in theater for that reason.
It almost doesn’t matter beyond that brief description, what they said. It doesn’t matter quoting then how that impacted me, almost. It reminded me that the point is more to stay in those experiences and let them change you and shape you, but on a very regular basis. This call and response of theater and art should be one of the ways we process life, not just an event we go to once in a while. This should be a rhythm and less entertainment.
It hit me that this is somewhat what I’m moving toward w/ spirituality and my private time; less journaling and learning and more experiencing and letting things come and go, breathing and living, less commemorating.
This is a big, big shift for me. It feels risky, like I might actually come out of my shell some and start to experience life more fully. The message of freedom and self-expression have been robust themes that keep popping up repeatedly right now.
These are all good things, especially the plays. They hit me harder than music I guess though I love music.
That’s the story, sticking to it.
Ending with another great quote, that pleasure is a healing activity. Pleasure lets your body be your body without your mind judging. I am ready for more pleasurable healing. Esp. w/ Jay.
I’m definitely wanting to do more art but somehow have to work this in to my new day job being back involved at the office. Yikes!
Lastly, I found some cool clothes at the thrift store today; little booties, a blazer and cool vest. I like it all and it reminded me that my sense that we need better clothes is spot on. I’m also hoping to do some online or store shopping and get some basics and some outfits going. I did that once before when I started teaching, and I need to do it again. My clothes need a lot of help and the change of weather isn’t helping at all. It felt good to have some new things, even thrift store new!
Finally, I really do want to be less selfish esp with Jay. He had a good conversation with a friend last weekend about he functions at the level he does and how that affects his marriage. They connected about the intensity of their work weeks and how no one seems to get that.
That was a little hard to hear, just because I know he doesn’t feel I can relate. I guess I can and I can’t. I’m there getting shit done and once again, it’s not as much as Jay does even though it’s critical. I guess I just have to accept it. I don’t know. It doesn’t ever seem to be enough to make me feel good. It’s never as much as what Jay does, and he’s always doing more, being more crazy, stressed, etc. It just is.
I have to have other outlets and creative venues. It’s not natural or normal to be this left-brain, driven, etc. at least for me. I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone, any kind of person, to be these technical people w/o any creative life. It doesn’t feel human to me and that makes me nervous.
So yeah, it is what it is. I don’t really understand how to be supportive without feeling jaded or cynical I guess. Jay is an amazing person that’s driven and focused. I am grateful for his hard work ethic. I could probably find fault with anything anyone does. I could blame him if he worked less which he said I used to do that which doesn’t surprise me.
So I keep learning and trying to figure it out. I guess since he never sees much of what I do, he’ll wonder. I think he does see, but yeah, it’s the same dynamic but less fighting and triggering.
My pain has greatly diminished so that’s a miracle. I hope to just rest and reflect on that this weekend.
Maybe a ritual!!