I got all my photos for class in. Today we critiqued them. I felt really good about one in particular and liked how it turned out. It felt good to do something creative that was decent.
I stopped by work and saw the person that is being fired briefly. This whole thing continues to unfold like a nightmare a bit. I guess he got to talk at work about why he was leaving and sortof announce it. I am starting to feel like the whole situation is revictimizing me. I’m not sure I trust how Jay is handling it. He has many issues he’s wrestling with and dealing with now. I don’t know how to feel or what to think.
I wonder if I’ll ever truly get out of this hole. Just when I was starting to climb out some, this happened. Then there’s now issues w/ cashflow at work. I feel like it’s the same old thing we’ve always dealt with. We also now have this bizarre relational thing going on at work until this employee leaves where I feel like everyone is looking at me probably. I feel like now the entire company is looking at me.
So yeah. Jay is in a really hard place because this person has a lot of responsibility. And I felt bad for him. Not for long, but I did.
Now I am wondering what I do if I see his kind of car on my street. I am wondering if I know how to call 911. I am wondering about getting a restraining order.
I just can’t believe after what I went through, it’s not over. I can’t believe this person is still walking around my office. I can’t believe he got to talk to the staff today. I can’t believe he is somewhat controlling the situation and the narrative. I can’t believe this is affecting me in the old ways I just came out of.
It’s weird to once again feel the familiar tug to just shut down, have no energy, lack of motivation again, just, lack. With all this guck inside and now around me, it’s too hard to try it seems, once again. That’s how I’m feeling here at the end of the week.
I don’t want to give into that because I’ve had so many lost years.
But that’s how it feels.
It was good to be with our group this evening. We went to the H’s house and got to see the kiddos running around, eat good food, etc. It was much better to be out with people than alone home or with just Jay when I don’t want to really be around him right now. He’s completely caught up in the stress of all this with our business, with the person and the money and just all the shit of it all which doesn’t seem to really substantially change. So yeah, I’m glad I had friends to go hang out with.
That’s the blessing of my life and probably something I need to do even more of and reach out more. I need that right now. I need to get on an exercise program and stay with it and stop drinking as much. I want to numb out right now.
I can’t believe I’m a victim again and I just want to record what it’s like and not forget and remember what I’ve experienced and am experiencing is nothing compared to others.