I’m still learning about adult children and how to have relationships.
I don’t really have a good model in my own family, but I’ve learned a lot from my mother-in-law.
I’m realizing my kids need us to be there as parents, but not as close friends. I’m realizing we are different in key ways and the same in others. I’m realizing there is more gray and ambiguity in the midst of the certainty of being blood-related to someone.
When someone leaves your house, a certain kind of relationship you have changes. It really never goes back to anything like it was when you just live together.
I think I’ve tried to not have that be the reality of the situation. So I’ve tried too hard to keep some kind of closeness you can only have when you’re together. Not horrible, but I still am learning the lesson of letting them go.
*****
The changes continue to sort of flow over me like gentle waves, ripples I didn’t see coming.
I have struggled consistently with, well, being consistent.
There has been a constant struggle to just maintain daily living in a way that’s not stressful or exhausting. I’ve maintained basic standards, but I’m always fighting myself. What it has felt like is that I’m always trying to get to another life that isn’t my current life.
This results in a lot of anger and a lot of frustration over how much daily living requires. I resist then basic things and don’t just do them. There is all this emotion, mostly negative, around daily life.
That is just dissipating. What has been so strange about this all these years is it will be things that I signed up or volunteered for, like this class I’m taking.
I’ll resist the homework. I’ll do other things before doing my homework instead of the other way around. On and on it would go. I’d be angry I had all these chores to do.
Super avoidant and passive/aggressive behavior, all within myself. And yes, it made me feel crazy, because I knew it wasn’t normal. That just added to the guilt.
While on a weekend away even, I worked on my homework. I spent both Friday and Saturday evenings working on homework. What??! Who’s that girl just being a boss doing her shit like a grownup.
This would spill over of course into relationships as I was often on edge and would bring others into my scenarios about how somehow they were responsible.
It’s just nice to feel it slipping away and feeling like my brain is less neurotic. That’s what we talked about in therapy a significant amount on Friday: what is neurosis? That’s what it’s felt like in my head all these years.
*****
The issue w/ the person who harassed me has been resolved with that individual being fired. It was that egregious.
I’m trying to do curious observer stance and see this through the eyes of someone else. This was really extreme, what he said and did. It was extreme that he went as far as he did. He wasn’t falling down drunk though he was inebriated. His defenses were down, but what he said was beyond shocking and persistent and aggressive and intense and graphically sexual.
I think I’m realizing how extreme it was as I stand back and look over the whole situation.
Someone met with this person and explained that they had to be let go. They were angry and frustrated but somewhat resigned. They were shocked when they realized it really was going to happen and go down that way. They didn’t ask about me and how I was doing. This person is deeply wounded and narcissistic, and after all these decades, I didn’t see it.
So yeah. It was kind of a sucky day, but I just cleaned up the kitchen because I don’t want this to affect my daily life at all. I want to stay on top of things and not go under the window with depression or feeling weird. I want my window to liberally expand and be able to manage this with some coping strategies.
I don’t want to brush this aside. I don’t want to forget it. I don’t want to enshrine it and keep talking about it, but I don’t ever want to forget this. I want to own this and not let the trauma make me want to bury it. I don’t ever want to forget what it feels like to have someone have power over you in a situation and do and say things that are offensive and not be sure how to take care of yourself. I want to remember, because billions of women and some men, young kids, have experienced this. The world still needs justice and education and enlightenment and freedom in this area. There are too many, just a few thousand miles and a few time zones away that experience harassment everyday as a part of their culture.
Not my culture or my life.
So I’ll be ready for this to finally end and be out of my life. There are some connections with this individual that will take some time to unravel and finalize. Then it’ll be done.