Did a big hike last night and was disappointed with how I did. I’ve tried to get in shape but just haven’t done well. My energy still isn’t amazing. I wonder how I’ll do on our group hike this weekend in Canada.
Doing a lot of little chores to get things ready to leave. El is hiring a porter as her back isn’t great still from her injury. I gave some of her weight to one of the other hikers. Paid bills, cleaned, did a lot of the basics. Jay has been gone for two days on business and I pick him up late this evening.
Made a nice dinner for myself and had lunch w/ the parents.
I’m not doing magical things, but taking care of myself, working, helping other people, trying to heal and grow.
Life.
*****
So a sort of major revelation this morning doing my meditation and centering prayer. I have always struggled w/ living in the present. I have discovered this back in April at the Rohr event. But now what I’m realizing is I’ve never just lived in the moment for what it is.
There is incredible danger in dreaming or wishing for something else to come and change/fill your life.
I’m realizing that part of my journey has been to extract myself from the challenges at work and the exhaustion of managing the people and also the work that I generally don’t find interesting.
That is one thing.
It’s an entirely different thing to then go and find something else or at least be happy in the moments of everyday.
This is an interesting issue. What does make one happy? I’m finding in this middle age stage, I am struggling with that quite a bit. The things that you shape your life around when you’re younger change significantly in your middle years. You seem to lose community to some degree, your kids are moving on and your parents are aging. You have fewer career options and retirement is now closer than college. It feels free but also constraining.
So this morning I realized that even when I was “happier” when the kids were younger, even then I was choosing often to be unhappy in the moment. I often tired w/ the constant pressure of parenting small kids, the endless stream of managing them and their antics and activities. I remember feeling like I was losing my mind literally from it all. I know other parents feel that weight, especially ones who are home full-time.
I could have used some breaks and more time to myself. It seems I am more of an all or nothing person. So now I have a ton of free time or time w/o responsibility like that and I feel some emptiness and this sense of lack of knowing what is next.
The book I’m reading by Rob Bell had an amazing section on tribe that has given me so much to think about. I have wondered so much about tribe. I have studied community a lot but not tribe. The idea of tribe is compelling and makes one want it. But in truth, what I have suspected, is there is a very dark side to tribe just like any other form of life and structure of society that we come up with.
So this is my life today. The anxiety I feel at the unknown is something to work through and I need to use my tools when I’m in a place like this, feeling bad about myself, all or nothing thinking, and then reverse that with the tools I’ve gotten in therapy, reading, etc.
This morning I focused on loving myself and feeling God’s love for me, being within the heart of God even. That is where I need to be today.
Seize this moment. Seize this day. Do what you plan to do each day based on how I feel and the responsibilities I feel I have.
I did bills last night and my bill box was tidy. It wasn’t overflowing and confusing. I’ve made significant progress in controlling things in the last year and our life, my life, is coming back into some kind of control and rhythm. I need to learn what the rhythm is going to be with my new writing life or whatever is next.
John commented this afternoon here at Boots that we chose to do “life” first. Our kids came and we moved home and we started a company. We really put our interests and pursuits on hold for all intents and purposes.
Now we’re seeing friends locked down doing school stuff, practices, etc. and we did it the opposite way. It’s really hard to be footloose and fancy-free when you have a child or children. I remember feeling a lot of shame and regret when people were all off traveling and doing stuff and we were going through the sheer drudgery of starting the company, doing the daily routine with kids, planning family holidays, etc. It was completely unglamorous and I felt like I was in the backwater of life most of the time.
But the danger of our culture is to assume that good things happen quickly. They just don’t. Most things of value take considerable investment of time and resources and occur over a long season. Things don’t happen quickly.
Jay reminded me that we have really succeeded in what we set out to do. We have this business that has significant assets. If we wanted, we could take a month off. Things might not go well at work with us gone but we could do it. We built a company. He said it’d be really a shame right now to have done all this and not take advantage of it which is true. That means some traveling for us or whatever like I’m pursuing writing and a second career.
Also this morning I realized that I woke up feeling depressed and was pretty depressed yesterday. I realized that I have tools that are now at my disposal. I’m not just floating around any longer. I can address my sadness with a plan. It might be rough and sketchy, but it’s a plan.