I found this note written a few years ago or so, maybe a year ago? It’s in my bill paying file box:
I keep trying to make it like people are around and the kids are still around and they aren’t
Accept it
Recreate good things when possible
Do other things
Stop putting things around the house everywhere
Chaos seems to go on all day long
Start with where you’re at
You have choices; you don’t have to do whatever
Today very tired, just weary I think. Less happiness. I’m tired from two weeks of caregiving and it feels like my mind is slipping away. I feel like dementia is setting in already at times, like there are things on the edges of my mind that are fading already. I’ve really struggled with memory stuff the last few days, like what can I even remember. It’s hard.
I keep seeing things on IG and other places of bands and music and exciting it seems things to me. I feel like I am envious of all that and not sure why. I guess because I am really scared I missed some kind of window of opportunity.
I see some photos of people I know, younger than me, and it seems they really did go out and do stuff. It feels like that chance is gone for me could be gone. That seems really shallow to compare myself but I am struggling w/ that today. I guess it highlights what I am scared I will lose forever, art and music and fun.
So God and to myself, let’s stop that ridiculousness. I need to embrace what I am and what I’m doing and have done and not push myself with envy. I need to be motivated, not guilted-out.