Had dinner w/ friends who are docs. Told them my ass woes. Going to go to the doc tomorrow. Stayed strong most of the day, but just so much pain. Probably a fissure or small infection. Sort of constant now. Will be glad for relief and as always, glad for good access to medical and smart medically-friends.
Drive through the fields south today for therapy. Somewhat distracted drive with my butt pain. September sun is a rockstar, just amazing. Took a lot of photos on the way home. Ended up culling about half down w/ one of the three stops I made being the best.
Felt good that as I was deleting photos, realized that several stops just didn’t do it. It looked good from the road but didn’t add up. One though ended up being quite fantastic.
So that’s how it goes. Shitty first draft, all the way. Didn’t beat myself up. Now know this is part of the creative process and see it as just the way it is. No one, not even the experts, get to just do it all right, all the time. I can look at is as 3 failed stops or be excited that one of the 4 stops ended up with a dozen awesome photos you could do a series out of. That’s the success focus, not the dumbass focus.
We did a new kind of therapy today called CIMBS. It’s kind of different than anything I’ve done before. I’m not sure I could have done it before today as it’s kind of intense w/ the therapist. You look at each other a lot, and it’s fairly intense.
What did we discover? I’m still pretty disassociated from my body and how to really do self-care. I also still don’t trust people that much. I’m pretty guarded.
So, on we go. Small steps are resulting in big steps.
I told her about how I am having triggers just fall away as my body calms down and the systems are more integrated. I realized we aren’t having to discuss each and every trigger. It’s this bigger picture that has to get resolved, not each little problem. Also, need to focus on the positive. She said it’s 20% negative focus and 80% positive. That’s how you really get better in therapy and in life too.
So I need to adopt my own 80/20 rule for my time. That might be a nice guide to have. Unfortunately, I’ve been living an 80/20 life but just with it reversed.
So a really intense day. Intense pain, intense healing, intense light, intense exhaustion, intense awakenings.