My pain is diminishing!
Whatever day or hour when my pain subsides, I feel such happiness and joy for a while, like nothing can disrupt my happiness, I’m just so incredibly grateful to be out of pain. Nothing else seems to matter and every bland, average things is now wrapped in a halo of golden light.
“Yes, I want to pack up and move our company to our new space! I just LOVE taking calls from telemarketers! Of course I’ll go out on a company dinner w/ consultants from out-of-town that I don’t know!”
Unfortunately the joy of having minimal pain didn’t have a chat with my overall mood. I woke up feeling discouraged and directionless. Another day of this? Another day of small projects and chores that don’t add to much?
It was quite a negative spiral there for a while. I did some reading in the Enneagram book I have, and that was actually fairly enlightening. I realized that much of what I am going through right now is due to being a One, not just my eff-ed up childhood and PTSD.
That makes these things more manageable to understand and possibly address as well as celebrate.
Being a One means you have a very strong inner critic and superego. You believe perfection is attainable. You judge others and don’t escape that yourself.
These are all really hard things to hear and make me wonder what I do or have done that doesn’t fall into one of those categories?
So I’m trying to take it slow, be kind to myself as I uncover these things, and hope I can continue to grow and mature in my understanding of myself and the world.