I was thinking again about my Dad today because work isn't sucky enough. The visit to the golf course brought a bunch of stuff up.
My Dad was good in a lot of ways and sucky in others. I've so wanted him to be a better person than he was. I've done Olympic-level mental gymnastics to convince myself he didn't know what he was doing.
That he didn't realize how much he was hurting us.
That he would have changed if he could have.
I don't know if that's true of not. My therapists who've weighed in on this have said he was a liar and a narcissist. I know he also worked to get us through college even while our relationships were all crumbling.
I've had to accept that my Dad made a lot of really, really bad choices on how to deal with his trauma. He sortof tried to get better, but he really didn't do great as a Dad.
Of all the people who want to give him a pass, it's me. I've had years of chronic pain and sickness. I've got an anger problem. I've had issues with people where I don't know how to be a good friend. I get how hard it is to be messed up and try and change.
I'm not going to say I'm doing better than he did or he could have done better. I know that he hurt alot of people and never really overcame his core narcissism that added to the mess his life became.
My Mom never seemed to really see that and believed he'd always change. She kept letting herself get hurt and all of us get hurt. He never really faced any ultimatum until it was too late for us and for him.
Being at the golf course reminded me that it was a disappointment to him that we didn’t all play as much as he would have liked. He eventually dropped out of the country club I grew up going to and eventually quit playing all together. Golf had been his passion, his identify.
I do know he felt like a failure. The notes I found in his Bible sure alluded to that. The crowd of people he came from probably weren't very welcoming to someone coming back from the abyss and then trying to fit back into that gang. I doubt they were particularly kind.
He and his friends had all been the golden boys, and then Dad got ruined by this brain surgery. He did well still and was playing tournaments until he met Mom. That’s where they met actually. Then he stopped playing as much, we were born, he started having to work harder probably, obligations. Maybe we kind of all ruined his life, the good thing he had going or at least some manner of stability. I’ll never really know.
When you start wondering about these things, it’s too late often. His sister is still alive but would be unable to answer any questions.
He also dropped out of this group of guys and socialites from high school and college and started going to church. He quit drinking and smoking. I imagine there was pressure from Mom. They started going to church. He seemed to want to do all of that.
Until you put yourself in someone else’s shoes, your perspective can be pretty one-sided.
He had a lot of disappointments. He couldn’t really run a company. It was overwhelming to him. I don’t think he was up to the responsibility. He felt responsible to get us through college and then sort of collapsed. He didn’t really want to live. He’d ruined the relationship he had with me and pretty much the same with my brother, Mom or anyone else. People did pity visits to him in all the places he was before he died.
He really self-destructed. He was sort of crazy too, the depression, the bizarre realities. I remember the intervention we did, where we asked him to check into the psych ward. All his friends in the living room, and he, wild-eyed in the kitchen, saying Isn't this great all these people are here? I think Ellie was already born when that all went down. I don't know how I couldn't hate him.
It's been 23 years since he died. Kay believes our souls live on in other times, before and after each life we live. She said it takes courage for a soul to volunteer to be a villain. I wonder if that's true. Maybe I should visit his grave more and think through some of it all.
Mostly I feel overwhelmed that both my parents have been kind and supportive at times throughout my life and also fundamentally unstable, which makes them unsafe. It's left me with all this anxiety about how life works and my role in it all.
I'm determined to keep moving ahead but it's not easy. These are deeply hard-wired messages. I won't give up.
*****
We made it through the party for the next two employees leaving. One told me at the end of the party when we were alone that we saved her life. She was incredibly depressed when she came to work for us. She'd lost a son after he was born, and was mostly an alcoholic trying to keep her head above water. They'd just moved to our city. We hired her and she gained the skills she needed to move on.
I hope she especially does well as she's worked hard to get ahead. We have too much water under the bridge with her to have gone much further. It was a positive separation.
We had dinner planned already with good friends and the timing was perfect. Good food, drink and friends. We were able to blow off some steam and not have to just stare at each other hating our life. Friends have lifted our spirits and buffered us from each other on so many occasions. I owe my improving mental health to Kay, nature and friends.
I hope better days are ahead, for me, for the family and for our business. I hope my Dad is at peace, golfing and happy, wherever he is.
He deserves it.
And so do I.