What an intriguing week.
What image would I give it? Maybe a fern that's unfurling? I'm not sure.
I know I came to some clear understandings this week, profound changes and shifts in how I'm reacting to and processing life.
I've already mentioned the revelation about focusing on myself each morning. That's been truly helpful. An outcome of that has been that I just feel stronger. I feel more able to face things that are hard and be okay with how it works out. I will be okay, because I'm safe and I like myself.
In the past, I felt so depleted and so at the beck and call of everyone. I didn't feel like the little cell of myself had strong membrane boundaries. I felt people could come into my life and space and demand I adapt and respond. I don't think it was intentional; it's how they exist in their own lives.
Another big shift is in handling conflict. I had a conversation today that was fairly challenging in terms of content with a family member. I kept telling myself that these were divine beings and people, that I didn't need to feel threatened and that I'm safe in myself. It felt good to not immediately go to anger and to try and just get through the conversation with saying all I felt needed to be said, and also not being in lizard brain so I could actually listen and respond.
This, from the We're All Connected mini, on Headspace:
"When we reject the notion of a shared human condition, conflict invariably follows. Only in realizing the simple truth of our interconnectivity, can we discover inner and outer peace."
This is a very, very different mindset than saying what you need to say to someone, regardless. Only as I calm my system down, can I extend grace to people, even people who have hurt or slighted me. If I am not myself safe or calm, it is very hard to live by these words, to be able to extend to others in compassion, especially in conflict.
I went to book group and was driving home late tonight, I thought again about this conflict and spent time praying for them and pondering how I can keep responding without anger. I also considered how I have possibly contributed to the conflict and how I can do better.
I don't have to get triggered or react. I can listen and do what I can, be part of the conversations, but I don't have to get angry, defensive. I don't have to even really protect myself. I am safe all the time. No one can really say anything that can hurt me, because I can leave the conversation or even the relationship.
In the case of this relationship, I don't want that to happen. I shouldn't have to happen, but if it does, that's actually okay too.
I do stupid things every day. I make mistakes every day. I need to hold myself to a less high standard in some areas and the same for other people. I can just try and talk through stuff without the fight/flight stuff kicking in. Our shared humanity should/could/can hopefully bond us as we acknowledge our own fears and weaknesses while trying to do the right thing.
We didn't talk as a family or have much conflict growing up. I still don't have great skills in this area. It's a work in progress.
It was nice to buzz out of town for 24-hours to get out of the smoke. We went with friends who just wanted a break. Late this evening, it started to rain so hoping for some fires to be put out by that.
Highlights:
- Self: daily awareness of what I need first; letting other things fall off the list; eating better; running; slowing down, but gearing up as well
- Home: garden maintenance and harvest, daily chores, super clean
- Family: such good conversations w/ both girls this week; laughter and connection and healing; family stuff with Jay's family; helped both Mom's, hard conversations with some family stuff but managing/not angry
- Marriage: good talks, time together;
- Friends: fun with friends; feeling more love there; still interested in meeting different types of people
- Career: daily writing, blog, researching what's next
- Emotion: using Emotion Wheel to understand why feeling how I'm feeling, reviewing therapy notes; Managing Anxiety on HS
- Spirit: praying more again, more open to seeing mistakes I'm making, hoping to listen/discern about future
- Creativity: mostly writing this week
Next week:
- Writing coach meeting
- Research writing programs
- Prep materials to meet w/ parents
- Stuff for KT and Bee
Colfax, WA