So Jay came down this morning to the guest room that's sort of mine now and gave me a big hug and slid into bed with me. He said he was going to come home early and have dinner together. He said he wanted to hold me.
I realized how disconnected we are, because it felt awkward to be together physically. I don’t know if he thinks being together in the evenings will fix everything. I have no idea. I guess this is good? The problems feel immense. I don't feel hopeful.
I was at the park today with the puppers and felt a little happy. Otherwise, mostly feel numb.
I'm trying to put some practices in place still that I'm learning on meditation, how to think, what to do each day. I guess this is much better than giving up.
I do refuse to give up. I just don't see any clear path emerging yet even from all this hard personal therapy work. I won't stop, but it doesn't feel hopeful on sort of a meta level. It's sort of helping me not feel like I'm drowning, but I don't feel like I'm really swimming.
So yeah, I'm now treading water successfully, but I'm sure not swimming to shore or a tropical island that'd be cool to hang out on.
I guess this would be called "progress."
Everything still feels mostly fucked up.