We went to a wedding this weekend of one of our close couple friend's son and fiancee.
What can I say other than I was so jealous of their love, of the love of two twenty-somethings as they start out.
It was obvious from how they danced and touched each other that they couldn't wait to be married and get into bed. I think it's one of those couples that if they haven't been able to wait completely, they've at least tempered how free they've been sexually.
I went outside and took photos of the orange hawkweed growing in the parking lot. It was up at an old grange hall on Mt. Spokane that is easy and cheap to rent. I hung out by the stream with the puppers and just tried to enjoy what seemed possible to open my soul to without too much pain.
Our marriage seems hollow but presentable. I haven't figured out how this is going to work long-term.
I'm not horribly depressed so that's a positive. I don't know what's coming, but I keep making progress at least personally. I'm determined to do that at least. I know our marriage won't improve without me improving. I have contributed to the dysfunction. I can't control Jay, but I can control myself. At the very least, I might be the only one getting healthy, and that's going to happen one way or another.
I also went to a jazz concert, by myself of course, and just hung out over the weekend. More not good conversations.
I feel positive about the growth I'm trying and my determination to grow. The girls are good. Lots of good things going on. I have to believe it will all make a difference.
Highlights:
- Celebrating joy of marriage for our friend's son
- Warmer weather
- Hopeful tools from therapy to learn
Next week:
- Don't give up
- Support myself in growth and be honest
Mt. Spokane, WA