We are drowning in smoke here in the PNW. Fires are raging everywhere, and our air quality index is off the charts, not in a good way.
I feel confident today. I am starting to see that my instincts are serving me well, and that the path that is emerging is what I hoped might happen.
One of my values is that if you show up to life in some capacity, paths do emerge. If you huddle back in safety and hope something happens, it doesn't tend to work out so well.
I continue to keep writing and asking questions, exploring and poking around for what's next. What I am consistently NOT doing is putting pressure on myself. I am putting things out there and seeing how it feels as I do. Some stuff is working, some isn't. It feels great to be doing things and knowing that it is part of the discovery process and an experience in and of itself.
I have been really allowing myself to be governed by these Rumi sayings:
"Let yourself be drawn by the strange thing that you love; it will not lead you astray"
"Respond to every call that ignites your spirit."
I'm using the Curious Observer stance quite a bit, stepping back and seeing what feels good in my soul to do that day or moment. That is also helping quite a bit. I'm observing what I'm thinking about, longing for, feeling. I'm asking why I'm feeling that and if it's coming from my ego or True Self. I'm allowing myself to move based on my own analysis and reflection of my inner life.
I am trusting myself again or possibly for the first time. I'm going back to what I have known to be true and trying to coordinate a new life around those interests, passions, desires, skills.
*****
I felt incredibly down on Saturday. I didn't get enough sleep the night before. We met Jay's bio parents for breakfast in their home. Their friendly normalcy and interest stuns me everytime we're together. It's very hard to come back to dysfunction when that reality exists across the mountains.
I also have felt myself spinning out about friends I know are busy. I imagine the friendship changing and feeling that familiar sadness. Is it me? Have I done something wrong? Am I too needy? Is this person finally ready to be done w/ this semi-depressed and anxious person who can't seem to get her life together?
I felt God provided a day that solidly said, "It's not you." We had breakfast with the bio family. We stumbled onto friends on the way home on the highway at a local brewery. I had someone else text and mention a concert that night I could go to.
As I was falling asleep, I realized for the first time that I have an adequate amount of friends. This isn't about friends and people. We do need more friends that are able to travel and have similar interests but not that many.
My ongoing angst is about is me and my lack of creative pursuits. The abrupt stopping of my life so many years ago, in stages. The abuse. The early marriage. Early kids. Business. Parents. Many of these things have been beautiful. Some have been awful.
Due to my lack of balance and health, I was unable to go through many of these stages with a healthy self-balance. I would be in a very different place today if for example I'd been more healthy when I had young kids. It's a challenging time as it is, but my situation was made much worse by not feeling freedom to go and be myself. To try and keep writing somehow in balance. To stay creative. To get sitters. I had one friend who really inspired me in that way, and that alone gave me some freedom.
So this goes way, waaaaaay back to the feeling of repression. These things in and of themselves didn't have to be repressive; it's how I handled it all.
So this one thought as I was drifting to sleep helped me focus on what's next. It's me. I need to get into classes. I need to figure this process of both uncovering my creativity and also discovering what's next will take some time, probably years. It will be an ongoing unfolding that will have many layers, seasons and changes just like the past has been.
I have so many interests and a decent toolkit. I'm going to just continue to pursue what seems best to do next. I don't want to hire a life coach; I'll just be regurgitating what I already know. I don't need validation from someone else for what I know needs to be done.
*****
I can't believe the lengths I'll go to to avoid meditation and exercise.
No distraction too small!
*****
Today on Headspace, the 12th session in the Managing Anxiety pack. This, paraphrased:
"There are usually three ways we view anxiety: 1. We don’t know we’re anxious and it’s always running in the background. We’re ignoring it or unaware we’re thinking, feeling that way 2. We’re buying into it the whole time, we’re caught up in it. Constantly replaying things. Even helping create the idea that we’re an anxious person. 3. Resisting anxiety in mind, constantly frustrated. Sad or upset that get so anxious. Conflict between what think should be in the moment and what actually is happening in the moment. The first three are tendencies; we tend to gravitate toward one. This about developing a fourth approach. You're not involved in any of these. Aware of thoughts/emotions as come and go, simply bearing witness to them, observing them as they pass by. When do get distracted, being aware of what it is and what our relationship to it is."
As I realize it's time to go back to school, I'm also sensing in my soul it's time for a creative focus, not professional. I'm eager to make money again, but I realize I still need recovery time. I'm just starting to feel fully healthy, emotionally happy. I'm having days of happiness and general peace and contentment. I'm no longer constantly agitated and on-edge. My own health changes as well as marriage changes are promoting that.
So I'm managing this realization of the need to relax and have fun with the need to be productive and not lazy. I've found this tension challenging. I get scared, thinking I'm missing out, that the world is passing me by. Yes, that's the biggie. The world is passing me by.
I'm still learning the basics of manaing my depression and anxiety. I feel strong enough, mentally, to be making healthier choices and being intentional about managing my entire life. I'm just getting a handle on balancing anxiety and depression management with taking responsibility for my own actions and thoughts that positively and negatively impact myself and others.
So I continue the search for balance and to relax into this next stage of healing and now, adding in some items that will be set in the schedule.
*****
I just had to go on a walk, hear the crunch of dirt and the rhythm of walking. I wrote yesterday it's like being a hostage. Stockholm Syndrome is taking over, hoping you get just a few points lower on the air quality index than the day before.
I felt a sense of hope and lightness coming home. I knew I'd need to check in with mom but that still didn't dampen my spirits.
I'm home with a cool new mirror on the wall, Hazel is huffing and puffing, and Jay is on a successful business trip.
Life feels okay right now.