I guess it was nice while it lasted?
Another senior staff member quit yesterday. Just writing this, my stomach and chest feel tight, constricted.
I felt super positive yesterday. My mood moved up from the weekend. I worked at home all day and mostly did writing. I got my domain transferred by myself from GoDaddy to SquareSpace and got a good chunk of the content for an entry done. I worked hard on it. I dug out class notes from the CNF class I took years ago. That was helpful and centering.
I felt so happy and peaceful all day. I felt centered.
Then Jay told me about the staff member resigning, and I took that in stride. I felt almost stoned with peacefulness. I was trying to figure out why as it was so markedly different. The girls had been home for three days and we’d had a nice party. The house was really clean and things are more in order these days. I am taking Vit D more regularly and getting out in the sun. I am working on meditation and had a good meditation session in the morning. All of the above. Maybe I could get through this.
I went to work this morning and talked w/ people I needed to about this person leaving, and then with the staff member herself.
I felt the depression and anxiety creep back in significantly. I wanted to just leave. I just have a hard time being part of the company. I don’t agree with how Jay does a lot of things. He’s so technical and Aspie. I’m not sure how he think it isn’t impacting things. I feel for him and what he’s trying to do. It's so complex. We keep hiring staff that either leave or need to be fired. I have no idea what's truly wrong. I just don’t want to do it anymore.
He said he’s concerned for how this will impact me as I might want to dabble again. The person leaving was responsible for account management. I said I’m not going to dabble; we’re going to have a plan. I don’t know what it is yet but we’ll have one and it won’t be vague.
We also discussed one of our partners, and Jay said it was news to him how much these two staff members leaving supported their sales team. Jay has been told about that several times, and it just didn’t register. Maybe we both have memory issues? It’s hard to see how this impacts people, Jay's lack of awareness. It’s really somewhat traumatizing to just not be seen or heard of. He doesn’t seem to have awareness of what to pick up on, and it’s really negatively impactful. I don’t think it will change.
I am not sure we really can do sales at the company. I was keeping things going for years, and we would need a strong Sales VP to come in and make it all happen. Really a partner or someone with a lot of experience. They’d probably want stock options.
We have made a lot of promises and said we’d do a lot of things that just never happened.
So here I am now today with a completely different feeling, a feeling that is wildly familiar, the feeling of hopelessness and depression settling in.
I have a choice to make about how to handle this. I’m gaining some tools to keep myself centered in a different reality that has a different future, a different past and definitely a different present. I can really work on having that calm and present mindset that I had yesterday.
Also with my Enneagram type known, I can look at what I do when I’m triggered. I tend to withdraw I believe and have resentment. I don’t want to have resentment. How will I handle that?
It’s hard to see how frustrated people are with Jay and with how this has all gone down, all the questions, etc. I have to let that go and let that be his thing. Maybe people are sick of me as well, who knows. Maybe just sick of our company in general and how it's run.
It’s up to me to stay in this present moment that is positive and that God loves me in this moment. I have to on many levels not care which is not instinctive for me with my blend of 1 and 6. I have to be disloyal really, to not have ideals and to just let it all go and maybe fall apart.
So God, that’s my prayer today, that I can honor myself and Jay, not move to resentment and just stay positive and in the moment with myself and with your love.
Jay does a lot of things well in terms of creative innovative things and managing a development process. There is a lot that needs attention outside those realms that he’s not good at, and I’m going to have to let it be what it will be.
It will not be to my standards, and it will be what it will be.