So, I’m now taking many of the books I’ve gotten at thrift stores... back to another thrift store.
I don't even know which Greek tragedy to compare that to.
I remember being elated when I discovered that you could buy a whole bag of books at the Moscow thrift store for $5. This is a new thing I can do, I remember thinking. This is a thing. This is my thing. I’ll get used books here and then fill Little Free Libraries around town with them. It’ll be a fun, distracting hobby that sort of does good in the world.
It was fun, and it was distracting. I also knew deep down it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t going to fill the hole in my soul. And that was scary.
It isn’t the things we do, even our experiences, the things we buy for sure, that will fill that up. For me, it had to do with a sense of my place in this world, that today, I am okay and loved and have value and purpose. That I am good. That I can be contemplative and less rushed. That existing is enough. That connecting to God every morning, connecting to myself, is saving my mind and my life. I have felt so depressed and down, that I wasn’t sure I could function, face the future.
All I could see was more work, some more fun weekends here and there that I’d plan and then look forward to and then plan the next one. Maybe grandkids. Maybe some hikes. Maybe writing.
None of it really can make a life.
If your soul isn’t at peace, these other things we are doing outside of ourselves, these activities and purchases, it is busy work and our soul knows it. I knew it. It terrified me. I couldn’t see how I could escape the whole cycle of it all.
My time with Kay, the Trinity conference, studying spirituality and contemplation, practicing new ways of being and thinking, they have all been things that are giving me my life back.
Tonight, we went to Taming of the Shrew. It’s a crazy play and was impressed with the actors.
I found my mind drifting, not even trying to fully track with the actors and who does what. I found myself imagining a bath when I got home. I found myself not being fully present at all. It’s just what I do.
I had a friend comment on it once when we were in a museum in Japan. I ran around the place for like maybe an hour, snagged some free paper swag about the museum, then wanted to leave. She was like, Uh, we just got here. She even called me on it, like, You just came to get the swag. I was like, Yeah... and? Oh, you actually want to look at the stuff in here, this amazing, fascinating series of exhibits on Japanese history? No, sorry, got more things to see that I won't really be present for. Just came to check a box.
So I did some breathing and tried to focus again on what was happening. Once I started breathing, my crazy mind settled down some. I started doing some affirmations as well and just in general, refusing to go into crazy mind.
In these settings, the biggest crazy mind issue I have is that I wish I was whatever it is that I’m watching. That’s often it, esp. in the arts. So I get sad and depressed watching all of these talented actors and wishing that was me. That’s just sort of wrong in general.
I came home and looked at our clean house and the things I’m doing to be healthy and also to work and make money. I’m doing really well. I’m not just doing well for a depressed person; I’m doing well in general.
So this is new for me, to fight the depression and the negative thinking, the mind drift, and not just wait until it passes. I don’t want to lose another hour to this stuff.
I am divine. God loves me. I love myself, I’m getting better at the things that need to change like art and writing and possibly some drama, who knows… I have things I’m checking off the list each week and it’s getting there slowly.
So yeah, I wish my mind was healthier overall but it’s better than it was.
My Dad spent quite a bit of time in bed when I was a kid. He really had a hard life. He just was gutting things out to get us through college then sort of gave up. Work was hard for him, life was hard, socializing, etc. He just fell apart slowly as the years went by. So yeah, that’s a strong heritage to have, a parent that goes to bed and was depressed a lot. A lot a lot of overthinking which is what I do.
It makes sense that whatever I decide to do to get better, it's going to have to be really different to buck that shit.
Keeping working at it.
Never give up.